President Trump is angry.

 

I keep reading how President Trump is angry after the midterms. Well, so are a lot of other people, me included, which is why I’m posting this week’s phony interview with the Donald. For fans of irreverent political humor and the fakest news in the business, keep reading.

 

 

“I gotta tell ya, Mikey, I’m not in a good mood. I’m pretty much pissed off at everyone.”

“Even Melania?”

“Even her. She went over my head and fired Mira Ricardel. Made me look like a pussy.”

“I think Putin already did that.”

“He such a strong will.”

“Right. Lemme ask you something, Donald. When you felt like a pussy, did you grab yourself?”

“Heh heh, you know me so well.”‘

“If you’re so angry, how come you declared the midterms a great victory?”

“It was a great victory. . .for the Democrats. Which is why I gotta shake up my administration.”

“You figure it was their fault people across America rejected your stooges?”

“Well, I gotta blame someone, and it ain’t gonna be me.”

“Right. Let’s see, you replaced Sessions with your pet minion Whitaker, a guy with a reputation almost as bogus as yours. Who’s next to go?”

“I’m thinking Kirstjen Nielson.”

“How come? Not racist enough?”

“Not even close. You see how she let some of those beaner kids escape their cages? Next thing you know, they’ll be raping Republicans. Sad. We can’t be having that.”

“What about your Chief of Staff?”

“Kelly? Him I’m not sure about. I might keep him around like I did Sessions, just to watch him squirm while I ignore every bit of advice he gives me. Then that old prune Wilbur Ross has gotta go.”

“Not fascist enough?”

“He’s getting too old, losing some of the old mustard.”

“So you’ll be bringing in more swamp creatures?”

“My team is dredging the bottom right now. Speaking of swamps, I’d like to bury Jim Acosta in one.”

“I see CNN won their lawsuit and Jim got his press pass back.”

“Another victory for Team Trump.”

“Huh?”

“You know me, I’m a champion for the free press. They should have total freedom.”

“Really?”

“Sure, as long as they ask the questions I approve and sit down and shut up when I tell them too.”

“I’m not sure that’s how freedom works.”

“It works just fine for Vladi and Jongy, why can’t it work for me?”

“Because they’re dictators and this is a free society. Supposedly. . .”

“We’ll see about fixing that. You see how the fake media is twisting things around about my terrific idea for solving the Saudi mess?”

“You mean your idea about expelling a U.S. resident. . .”

“Don’t forget, he’s a Turkish dissident.”

“A Turkish dissident with political asylum. If he goes back, President Erdogan might murder him.”

“There’s no might about it. Erdogan is a vicious brute. He’s taken away the rule of law. In a way, I gotta admire him.”

“Donald, you can’t resolve one brutal murder by a head of state with another.”

“I don’t see why not. They were both outspoken critics, so what’s the big deal?”

“Two murders are better than one?”

“There you go. It’s like geometry. They cancel each other out.”

“I gotta tell you, Donald, I’ve seen pond scum with moral social conscience than you.”

“Fine, then let the pond scum deal with the Saudis. Me? I do a lot of real estate business with them and I’m not gonna piss ’em off.”

“Speaking of critics, I can’t wait till Whitaker fires Mueller. Not that I’m obstructing justice or anything.”

“I read that you answered his written questions.”

“I did a real could job lying on those answers, too, didn’t get any help from my lawyers this time.”

“Really? Rudy didn’t get involved?”

“Are you kidding? Every time that idiot makes a statement he leaks something truthful. But this Mueller guy? You see how he’s gone crazy since the midterms?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, there’s screaming, shouting at people, horribly threatening them. . .a disgrace to our nation. . .don’t care how many lives ruined. . .”

“Wait a second, Donald, I thought that was you.”

“Heh heh, busted. It’s hard to pull one over on you.”

“Too bad the Republicans are so gullible.”

“My sheeple love me no matter what I do.”

“Sheeple?”

“It’s fitting, isn’t it? Don’t them tell I said that.”

“Right.”

“Another thing I’m angry about? During my triumphant tour of France last week it rained. How dare it? Why doesn’t Europe show any respect?”

“They often wonder the same thing about you.”

“Hey, they want me to play nice? They want me to show up at World War I memorials for our veterans who laid down their lives for freedom when they know the rain will mess up my hair? Then they should’ve thrown me a huge military parade? Everyone knows I love a parade. Well, that and a good ass-kissing.”

 

The fires in California

 

“That’s true. I see you went to California, viewed the disaster from the fires. Also, that you still deny we’ve got a problem with global warming.”

“The science is still out. A tiny percentage of scientists say there’s room for doubt.”

“They’re all employed by the oil industry. Them and the Saudis.”

“Well, until they change their minds, I’ll turn a blind eye to the environment. After all, what’s it done for us? Look at it burning up California, right? Man’s not doing that, nature is. You wanna blame someone for heating up the place? Blame Mother Nature. The sooner we kill her, the better off we’ll be.”

“What?”

“Think of the savings, all the money spent on putting these fires out.”

“It’s like you just don’t care about the climate.”

“Hey, I want a great climate. And we’re gonna have that.”

“We are?”

“Sure, once those lazy Democrats in California start cleaning the forest floor.”

“What?”

“You know, raking it or whatever gardeners do. Even better, we should just get rid of all trees. They’re the ones responsible for bad quality. . .”

Looks like I caught President Trump off his meds again. Tiring of his rant, I put the phone down. I doubt if he noticed. . .

 

For fans of irreverent humor, satire, zany adventures, quirky characters, and exotic locations, grab Breaking Good, the first book in the Senor Bueno Travel Adventure series and start laughing.

 

For a peek inside at story scenes and gorgeous images, check out my Books page.

Going to Chaos

 

With Maui heating up, especially for yours truly, I had to consider going to Chaos. Talk about desperate. . . To set the scene, my prospective partner Tom has just found an ammo box full of cash, enough to finance a new adventure and then some. We’d struck a deal: If he found some money (two million bucks had washed down our gulley during a flash flood), I’d check out Chaos, considering doing a major grow there. I was stoked when Tom found some dough, not so much with fulfilling my end of the deal.

 

 

I’m telling you, Mikey, Chaos is a great opportunity. No one is growing pot back there.”

“Too busy making moonshine?”

“It’s a different culture.”

“I bet. One I wouldn’t fit in.”

“No offense, but fitting in isn’t one of your strong points.”

Tom was right about that. Although I did fit in well at Grateful Dead concerts, with my long hair, good vibes, and cool attire, I rubbed the Establishment the wrong way. I blamed it on the pesky drug laws that kept us apart. Also, on their uptight worldviews. Something I hoped to change with my philanthropy. My long-term goal was raising world consciousness, ending war, and legalizing pot. Like a beauty contestant, I wanted world peace. Unlike baffled beauty contestants who majored in cheerleading and cosmetics, I had a viable plan. Well, a plan, anyway. It wasn’t my first plan. That one involved being the world’s first tone deaf god of rock. It hadn’t worked out. Especially after creepy free-lance journalist Gerry Rivers (now calling himself Gerardo) got editor Jann Wenner to put me on the cover of Rolling Stone. Usually that’s magic for a musician’s career (just ask Dr. Hook), but in my case the headline said: Meet Señor Bueno! World’s Worst Musician! The smarmy subhead demanded: Move over, Yoko! You’ve lost your crown!

That pissed me off. Did they have to use exclamation points?

I needed a reality check. “Come on, Tom, you really think we could grow high-quality buds there?”

“Lucky and I did.”

I’d never seen that pot and I had my doubts.

“Tell the truth, how good was it?”

“It was the best around.”

“You mean the best around Stinky Hollow? Where no one else grows?”

“Doesn’t mean it didn’t get you high.”

I’d heard about those buds from Lucky. I couldn’t remember him comparing them favorably to Kona Gold. Then again, Tom and Lucky, inexperienced growers at the time, didn’t know what they were doing. The results were inconclusive.

“No offense, Tom, but I can’t change the world with mediocre buds.”

He smiled. “With you involved, how could they not be great?”

Ah, Tom knew how to stroke my ego, always an effective move. I felt the lumps on my head smoothing out with the bloating and I smiled back. Modest though I was, when it came to growing pot, I was an egomaniac. All the best growers were.

I showed humility. “You’re probably right, but I’d have to give up this cool house and go somewhere I won’t fit in. Or enjoy.”

“If you work on your personality, things will go easier for you.”

“Why does everybody say that?”

Tom just laughed.

“Culture is one thing,” I said, “but environment is another. Chaos is a festering hellhole of heat, humidity, and swamps. Also, alligators, poisonous snakes, and more mosquitoes than Hawaii. Some funky stuff, too.”

“I thought you hadn’t been there.”

I smacked my head. “Shit. It’s really that bad?”

“Only if you’re outside. Indoors, it’s, uh, well, it’s somewhat better. . .unless you don’t have air conditioning. Except for the snakes and gators, it’ll remind you of Happy Valley.”

Another hot and humid place full of venomous bugs and one I did not wanna be reminded of. You never saw so many centipedes. Despite the promise of venomous bugs, I remained unenthusiastic.

“I suppose you have something better lined up,” said Tom. I detected sarcasm. Also, skillful use of his psychology degree.

“Um. . .”

“Or isn’t raising world consciousness important anymore?”

Talk about peer pressure.

 

If you’re a fan of wacky adventure, snappy dialogue, bizarre characters, and trippy locations, you’ll love my books. If you haven’t already enjoyed it, grab a free copy of Breaking Good and start the laughs.

 

For a peek inside, check out my books page.

This week with President Trump

 

I wanted to see what was up this week with President Trump, so I gave him a call. For fans of the fakest news in the business, enjoy the interview. I’ll have to paraphrase our talk as the NSA is wise to me and blocks recordings. Still, you’ll get the gist of it.

 

 

“How’s the weather in Paris, Donald?”

“Sucks, just like our allies in NATO.”

“Come on, man, try to get along, this is your chance to show some class, honor our fallen soldiers from World War I.”

“Hey, I’m all about class, but I’m gonna pass on the memorial service.”

“How come?”

“It’s raining outside, not good for my hair.”

“You’re skipping the 100 year memorial for World War 1 because your wig might get wet?”

“What’s the big deal? All those soldiers have been dead for a hundred years. I like my soldiers alive and able to vote for me. Instead of giving me a hard time you should be praising me for getting rid of your nemesis.”

He meant that evil munchkin, the pot-hating Jeff Sessions.

“I’d like it better if you didn’t circumvent the legal process and put Matt Whitaker in charge.”

“Always with the complaints. What’s wrong with Whitaker?”

“Let’s see, for one thing, he’s a con man under investigation by the FBI.”

“Just like me. My kind of guy.”

“Right. And you put him in charge of the FBI.”

“So?”

“So, he’s biased.”

“Why do you think I picked him. Haven’t you seen him calling the Mueller investigation in my obvious collusion a witch hunt?”

“Many times.”

“So, what’s the problem?”

“People will see that as collusion right there. It’s one thing to stick your cronies in the Cabinet and Supreme Court, but this guy will run the justice system. You need someone with integrity, not one of your slobbering minions.”

“Matt’s not a minion. . . yet. In fact, I don’t know Matt Whitaker.”

“Donald, you’ve met with him more than a dozen times. You’ve been quoted as saying, Matt Whitaker’s a great guy. Imean, I know Matt Whitaker.”

“Who you gonna believe? Me or me?”

“Hmm. . .neither one?”

“There you go. Anything else bothering you?”

“Yeah. How can you threaten to pull federal aid from Califonia during the worst firestorm its ever seen?”

“Easy, they’ve got Democrats in office there. And those Democrats would rather release water into the ocean than put out fires. I say let ’em burn. That’ll teach ’em. What’s next?”

“We don’t have enough time for everything, but I wanna point out some hypocrisy before I go.”

“Thought you didn’t have much time.”

“Heh heh, good one, Donald. I’m wondering what happened to the invasion on our southern border.”

“What invasion?”

“That’s what I thought. Your pals at Fox, who ranted dozens of times each segment about the invasion and need for 15,000 soldiers guarding us against women and children and men desperate for work, only mentioned the caravan one time on the day after the midterms.”

“That’s because they no longer threatened Republican votes.”

“See? You should be this honest in your real interviews.”

“If I was, I’d be back to hustling steaks, lousy busy deals, and my phony university.”

“If only. . .”

“Sorry, Mikey, gotta go. Vladi’s on the other line.”

“You guys gonna talk strategy? How to divide the States?”

“Who leaked that?”

“Just an educated guess.”

“A good one, too. Don’t tell anybody.”

“Right.”

 

If you like your humor irreverent, your characters quirky, and your adventures zany, check out my books. To get started, grab a free copy of Breaking Good, the first novel in the Senor Bueno Travel Adventure series.

 

For a peek inside, go to my books page and scroll down for Story Scenes.

 

 

Midterms

 

With the midterms looming, President Trump has gone into overdrive, pulling out all the stops. I talked with him about he migrant caravan, his superfan, Cesar Sayoc, his racist attack ad, and his penchant for bullshit. For the fakest news in the business, I’ll paraphrase our talk.

 

 

“It’s getting close to the midterms, Mikey. Whaddaya think? Am I the greatest or what?”

“What?”

“I said am I the greatest or what.”

“And I said what.”

“Huh?”

“You’re the greatest bullshitter I’ve ever met, I’ll give you that.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the 8.3 phony comments you’re averaging per day.”

“Is that all?”

“I know it doesn’t seem like much to you, but it adds up to over 5,000 turds you’ve laid on the American people since you got into office.”

“I don’t see your point.”

“My point is, rational people can’t believe a thing you say. You’re like the Bizarro president. Everything is the opposite. Why can’t you stick to the truth? Is it some kind of sickness?”

“Hey, I try, I do try. I always want to tell the truth, you know, when I can. Why are you laughing?”

“Come on, Donald.”

“Is it my fault if the fake news media makes my truthful hyperbole seem crazy?”

“All they’re doing is quoting your speeches or printing out your Tweets. How can that be fake news?”

“Consider the source.”

“That’s a good point. I gotta hand it to you, you come up with some wildly imaginative stuff.”

“Thanks.”

“It wasn’t a compliment.”

“Coming from a fiction writer, it sure sounds like one.”

“Yeah, but my crazy stuff makes people laugh.”

“Not the squares. Jeff Sessions loves to hate your stories.”

“That’s true. My stuff is not for the uncool or narrow-minded, but it’s not belligerent and dangerous.”

“How can you say my provocative raving is dangerous?”

“Well, for one thing, it made your Superfan Cesar Sayoc go nuts.”

“All right, that might’ve been a mistake.”

“Ya think?”

“Like you say, I should’ve chosen a more competent maniac, someone who actually knew how to rig explosives.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Whatever. You gotta admit, my concept was ingenious.”

“Really? Trying to take our the figureheads of the Democratic party and reporters at CNN was a wise move?”

“What’s with the attitude? It’s not like I inspired him by saying batshit crazy stuff about the evil Democrats and how they want to let murderers kill Republicans in their sleep.”

“Yeah, you did. And you got that right-wing maniac Jacob Wohl to offer women money to lie about Robert Mueller coming onto them.”

“Aw, shit, you heard about that?”

“It’s been all over the news.”

“He didn’t say where the money was coming from, did he?”

“I don’t think he has to.”

“Heh heh. . . Admit it, Mikey, you wouldn’t call him a madman if that my insane scheme worked.”

“Even for you, Donald, trying to extort the FBI’s lead investigator, is lame-brained.”

“I admit, that one kind of backfired. I’m God-like, but not perfect. Yet. But in all humility, I’m getting there.”

“I guess that’s why you relate so well with the common man.”

“You mean those maniacs at my rallies?”

“It blows my mind that you can be so arrogant, so elitist, so bombastic, so egotistical, so, well, full of shit, and yet, a news network, countless ranting right-wing conspirators, and a third of our country is devoted to you.”

“I know. It defies logic.”

“They repeat your lunatic theories as if they have no minds of their own.”

“It’s the American way.”

“Maybe so, but why don’t they realize you’re anti-American?”

“I may be in love with Kim Jong Un, Vladi, and MBS, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a Nationalist.”

“That’s not the same as being American. Just ask Hitler.”

“The only anti-American thing about me? I’m not crazy about the name.”

“I don’t blame you. Donald is a better name for a duck.”

“No, I mean America. Who was this America guy? A foreigner, right?”

“Well, yeah. . .”

“And why do we need three Americas? We got North America, where those untrustworthy Canadians lurk. We got South America, where all they do is play soccer and snort cocaine, and we got Central America, where all those viral, sexy men pick bananas. You see the abs on those guys?”

“Calm down, Donald.”

“Anyway, once I’m re-elected President, I’m changing the name of our country to Trumpland. It’s got a nice ring. Trumpland. Say it with me, Trumpland.”

“I’m afraid my mouth will explode. Let’s get back to your rants about the caravan.”

“You mean the one full of young, strong, hard-bodied men coming to rape out women that George Soros is paying for?”

“No, I mean the desperate refugees from a hostile government you support.”

“I guess you mean the desperate mob of welfare-seeking, serial-killing single moms looking to clean our hotel rooms and destroy our way of life.”

“No.”

“Then you have to mean the swarthy Middle Eastern hit teams smuggling nuclear arms inside Mexican children.”

“What kind of drugs are you on, anyway?”

“Heh heh, I took a tip from my good friend Kanye. I’m off the bi-polar meds. I get all the power I need from my MAGA hat.”

“This is you normal? Well, not normal, but. . .”

“I’m not the only one spouting this hysterical nonsense.”

“Who else is?”

“Stephen Miller, for one. Fox News, for another.”

“Have you done any fact checking in your relentless quest for the truth?”

When Donald finally stopped laughing, he said, “I can’t guarantee anything my pet ghoul says, but that doesn’t stop me from repeating it.”

“It sure doesn’t. You don’t think that’s irresponsible? I mean, you’re supposed to be the leader of our country, not the Conspirator in Chief.”

“And Fox News is supposed to be fair and balanced.”

We both cracked up at that one.

“You wanna see true leadership? I’ll show you leadership. I’ll send 15,000 troops to protect our southern border.”

“That’s three times the force we have in Iraq.”

“Right, and we’ll bring in more if the rocks start flying. A lot of people don’t know this, but brown-skinned women have strong arms.”

“You don’t think 15,000 troops have enough bullets to stop terrified refugees?”

“Not if the Middle Easterners start exploding those radioactive kids. Which is why we gotta get rid of our crazy, lunatic 14th amendment. No more birthright citizenship.”

“I don’t follow your logic.”

“That’s because I don’t have any.”

“Right. By the way, you can’t just overturn constitutional amendments at a whim.”

“I don’t see why not, I’m the Emperor. While I’m at it, I think I’ll 86 the 1st amendment.”

“No more freedom of the press?”

“That’ll teach ’em to put out fake news about me, won’t it, Mikey? Then I get rid of the no 3rd term clause and make myself dictator for life.”

At this point, Dr. Ricky, who must have been eavesdropping, burst into the Oval Office with a glass of water, a handful of pills, and a pair of husky orderlies. “Here you go, Mr. President, you forgot to take these earlier.”

 

If you like wacky humor full of political and social satire, zany misadventures, quirky characters, snappy dialogue, and exotic locations, check out my books. Start with a Free Copy of Breaking Good.

 

For a peek inside, go to my Books Page.

 

 

 

 

Fear and Loathing in Washington

 

If Hunter S. Thompson was still around, I know his next book would be Fear and Loathing in Washington. Which is why I called the FearMonger in Chief. Well, one reason. With the midterms looming, things have become crazier than ever in America. And that’s really saying something. For the fakest news in the business, check out my interview with the Donald. But first, enjoy this image of the Donald bragging about his very, very, large, well, you know.

 

 

“I had a feeling you’d be calling, Mikey.”

“Well, yeah, there’s a lot of things I want to talk to you about.”

“Well, hurry up, I’ve got a rant scheduled in a couple hours. You see me riling up the fake news media with my Nationalist comment?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“What’s the big deal?”

“People construe that as meaning you’re a White Nationalist or White Supremacist.”

“What’s wrong with that? I’m white and I’m supreme.”

“That sounds more racist than patriotic.”

“Why can’t a man be both? You see me getting my followers into a frenzy over immigration?”

“Yeah, that’s one of the things that’s bugging me. How come there’s so much fear and loathing in Washington?”

“That’s how I roll. Why the big sigh?”

“Lemme ask you ask you something. You say the most divisive things, rave that Democrats are truly evil. And out the other side of your mouth, you call for unity.”

“What’s your point? And stop sighing all the time.”

“Don’t you think that’s hypocritical?”

“What am I? A doctor?”

“Never mind. Let’s talk about the caravan.”

“The one full of Central America’s most violent criminals?”

“If by brutalized refugees, you mean violent criminals.”

“What’s the difference?”

“You know that the crime rate for immigrants is lower than that of native Americans.”

“Only because those redskins are too drunk not to be lazy, All they do is collect welfare and build casinos.”

“Let me stop you right there.”

“All right, forget the Injuns. What about the Middle Eastern terrorists forming most of the caravan? The one the Democrats organized to take over the country? To steal our jobs? To rape our women? Invade our vacation homes while collecting Social Security and voting Democrat? Why are you laughing?”

“Where do you come up with this crazy stuff?”

“Some of it comes from my pet ghoul.”

“You mean Stephen Miller? The guy who advised you to kidnap children?”

“Yeah, he’s got some great ideas. But most of this nonsense comes off the top of my very, very smart, uh. . .what’s the word I’m looking for?”

“You said some crazy things before, but you’re really getting out there.”

“Thanks. I took a tip from my very good and very stable genius friend Kanye, and threw away my bipolar medication.”

“You mean, things are gonna get worse?”

“Heh heh, you have no idea.”

“But, Donald, that immigration stuff you’re scaring Republicans with is a bunch of bullshit.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Because you’ve got nothing to back your outrageous claims up.”

“So? What about your books? Can you back up everything in them?”

“Well, no, but I write dark comedy.”

“Well, so do I. Don’t you read my Tweets?”

“Yeah, but I’m a novelist, you’re the President.”

“I don’t see your point. There you go, sighing again.”

 

The Magabomber

 

“I’m sighing because you just don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“You and your buddies at Fox News have polarized this country. We’ve a cold civil war going on.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the Magabomber, for instance. Here’s this violent lunatic sending bombs to prominent democrats. All of whom you’ve told horrible lies about.”

“Are they lies if my followers blindly believe everything I say?”

“Yes.”

“Oh. Well, tell me this, Mikey. How do you know the Deep State didn’t send those bombs? Or Hillary and Obama for that matter. We oughta lock them both up, then this might not happen again. Not unless the democrats are still leading in the polls.”

“I don’t think the democrats are trying to kill each other.”

“That’s a damn shame, but thankfully, we have the Magabomber to help.”

“Thank God the Magabomber is incompetent.”

“That’s why I wear diapers. Sad. . .”

“Huh?’

“I mean, this guy is really something, huh?”

“You approve?”

“All’s fair in love and war. I thought that Montana congressman who body slammed the reporter was my kind of guy. But this? Ha! Now this is really my kind of guy. I bet he’s really, really, uh. . .smart in his brain. And he’s rich. So rich you wouldn’t believe it. Also, the ladies love him.”

“Wait a second. . .you’re the Magabomber, aren’t you?”

“Where’d you hear that? Is there a leak in the White House?”

“Yeah, there is.”‘

“Who is it?”

“I’m talking to him.”

“Heh heh. I’m lucky no one reads your blog. Hey, what’s that sound?”

“Just my head exploding.”

“It does that a lot, doesn’t it?”

“When I’m talking to you, it does.”

“Ha! Just wait till you see what I do next week.”

 

If you love satire and laughing out loud, you gotta check out my books. Grab a free copy of Breaking Good, and get started.

 

For a peek inside my books (killer images and funny scenes) go here.

 

Trump on 60 Minutes

 

Welcome back for more of the fakest news in the business. After watching Trump on 60 Minutes, I had to give him a call. Chief of Staff John Kelly won’t let me record our talks anymore, so I’ll have to paraphrase from memory.

After greetings, I said, “The world’s a mess. How come you’re so happy?

“You saw my triumphant victory on 60 Minutes?”

“I saw your interview, if that’s what you mean.”

“They love having Trump on 60 Minutes. Thanks to my popularity, their ratings go way up. They need need a cranky old man with Andy Rooney gone. What’d you think of my interview?”

“It was painful to watch.”

“You felt sorry for Lesley Stahl’s ass? The way I kicked it?”

 

 

“If by kicked ass you mean quoted bad science, insulted women, dodged questions, and interrupted continually.”

“What do you mean bad science? I have a natural instinct for science. My uncle was a professor at MIT. Besides, I’m president and you’re not. Which means I very, very big ego.”

“That’s not how it works. How can you deny manmade climate change?”

“My friends in the coal and oil industries have given me billions of reasons.”

“Right. I mean, besides dirty money.”

“Because the science is still out. Who knows? It could go the other way any day now.”

“If by any day, you mean millions of years after we and everything but rats and cockroaches are extinct.”

“See? I told you I knew science. Trump shoots, Trump scores! Next question.”

“What about your love affair with Kim Jong Un?”

“How could I resist a tyrant? He writes the nicest letters.”

“Yeah, for a ruthless maniac.”

“Wait a second, are you jealous?”

“Let’s move on. What about Dr. Christine Blasey Ford? You taunted the poor lady. Don’t you have any respect for women?”

“Again, what’s the big deal? It’s not like I tried to rape her. What am I? Judge Kavanaugh?”

“Right, you prefer horsefaced porn stars and Russian hookers.”

“What can I say? I’m a man of wealth and taste.”

“Lucifer?”

“Heh heh. . .”

Well, that explained a lot.

 

Rogue Killers

 

“Donald, I’m following the Jamal Khashoogi murder investigation and I saw your rogue killers comment. . .”

“I appreciate the support.”

“Support? I’m calling with a reality check. You’re giving the impression this kind of shit is okay as long the Saudis buy luxury apartments from you.”

“Don’t forget the hundred billion in arms. And is it the Saudi’s fault if rogue killers are inside their consulate?”

“Yes, it is. Especially when the rogue killers are a hit squad the Crown Prince sent to Turkey at 3 in the morning on private jets with a bone saw.”

“They say they were on holiday. And what were they supposed to do when a subversive middle-aged journalist picked a fight with them? You know how feisty journalists get.”

“An out of shape reporter takes on a 15-man hit squad and a bone saw?”

“Shows how deranged journalists are.”

“Come on, Donald, even you can’t be that ingenuous.”

“I’m a very stable ingenuous. Why shouldn’t I believe the Saudis spin on things? Even though it keeps changing?”

“Among a few dozen other reasons, because they left the same day with Khashoggi’s dismembered body in a suitcase.”

“They said the Crown Prince, who will make a great real estate partner by the way, called them back to the office. You know how it is.”

“See? That’s the thing. As long as money is involved, you’ll overlook the most blatant of lies.”

“Only if they’re uttered by brutal dictators. The ones by the fake news, where they take polls that say I’m a blatant liar, a sociopath, and the least popular president ever? Those I don’t overlook.”

“That’s true.”

“The Crown Prince, who loves staying at my hotels and wants a chain of them in his country, says he’ll get to the bottom of this. Why would he lie?”

“Same reason Putin lied about interfering with the elections. At least until he admitted it.”

“Even then I denied it.”

“Despite Vladi and everyone in the Intelligence Community telling you otherwise.”

“What’s your point?”

“Well, don’t you think that’s crazy?”

“Sure, it’s crazy, but I won and that’s all that counts.”

“What about human rights?”

“America first!”

“By America first, you mean Trump first, don’t you?”

“Why is everyone ignoring the real evidence?”

“What real evidence?”

“That Obama, Hillary, and the Deep State killed Khashoggi.”

“What?”

“What’s the big deal, anyway? The guy was a dissident fake news journalist. An enemy of the people. You remember what that Montana congressman did to that reporter? Body slammed the son of a bitch for asking a question. My kind of guy. You gotta hand it to the Saudis, though. Those sons of bitches really know how to deal with fake news journalists who tell the truth. So do my pals Vladi and Jongy. I wish I could get away with that here.”

“Maybe Judge Kavanaugh can work something out for you.”

Donald didn’t get sarcasm, and said, “Great idea!”

Well, our conversation devolved, if you can believe it, from there. Stay tuned for more fake news, ’cause there’ll be more wacky stuff to come. Unfortunately. . .

 

If you like your humor snarky and sarcastic, filled with witty dialogue, zany misadventures, and exotic locations, you gotta read my books. Grab a free copy of Breaking Good.

 

For some gorgeous images and story scenes from my books, go here.

Judge Kavanaugh Confirmed

 

I hadn’t spoken with President Trump for a couple weeks, but I got a call yesterday morning. Let me see if I can paraphrase it for you. Ready for the fakest news in the business? Good, ’cause here comes some bull manure.

“Good morning, Mikey boy. Did you see the news? Judge Kavanaugh confirmed.  What a great day for the Trumpster. The Democrats can kiss my ass. I told you I’d get Judge Kavanaugh confirmed.”

 

 

“I figured you’d be calling to gloat.”

“And you had your doubts about his fitness for the Supreme Court.”

“That’s true. I still do.”

“Why didn’t you want Judge Kavanaugh confirmed?  Was it because of the serial date raping? His drinking problem?  His belligerent attitude?”

“All three.”

“Tell me you don’t like beer.”

“I do, but I’m not in love with it. Besides, even without the beer he loves so much, he lost his cool at the hearings. He disrespected the senators.”

“Only the Democrats. Which is something I do all the time.”

“Right. But we need an even-tempered, non-biased guy on the Supreme Court, not someone who gets pissed off and starts crying. Not to mention, lying outright.”

“He didn’t always lie. Sometimes he stonewalled.”

“Exactly. And sometimes he made up bizarre conspiracy theories.”

“Actually, I made those up for him.”

“I knew it. Where’s the guy’s integrity?”

“Who cares about integrity or telling the truth?”

“Not you?”

After he stopped laughing, the Donald said, “You know me better than not. As long I win, I don’t care what it takes.”

“Why did you want Judge Kavanaugh confirmed so badly? You could’ve picked someone less controversial.”

“Because he told me he won’t let the Democrats put a sitting president in jail, and that’s all the only qualification I care about.”

“Ah. . . ”

“And so what if a guy grabbed a little pussy or took a golden shower when he was younger? It didn’t stop me from getting elected and becoming the greatest United States President in the history of the Universe. If you think about it, that makes me the epitome of creation.”

“Not evolution?”

“In the 6,000 years the Bible says we’ve been around, never has there been a more presidential, more beloved, more smarter, or handsomer billionaire. Are you laughing because I’m also the funniest human ever?”

Yeah, that’s it. And the more smarter comment.”

“The Chinese think I have a very, very big, uh, uh, what’s the word I’m looking for?”

“Ego?”

“And yet, some people think I’m a moron. Crazy, huh?”

“Yeah, that’s it. You seem extra-high on yourself this morning, Donald. A little meth in your coffee?”

“Heh heh. With the winning streak I’m on, why wouldn’t I feel high? I’ve stacked the Supreme Court with conservatives, I’ve got the lowest unemployment rate since the beginning of time, and I totally kicked ass at the U.N. You see how the world’s leaders respected my speech?”

 

Trump’s comedy skit at the U.N.

 

“I saw how they laughed when you told them your administration accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country.”

“I used to be worried that the people of the world were laughing behind my back, but now they’re laughing in my face.”

“You say that like it’s a good thing.”

“What do you mean? They were laughing with me, not at me, right?”

“You really can’t tell the difference, can you?”

“No, but my lackey Nikki Haley said they loved how honest I am. That I wasn’t diplomatic and they found that funny.”

“She got the second part right. I gotta tell ya, Donald, when you started raving about German dependence on Russia, you cracked the German delegation up. I gotta hand it to you, I’ve never seen Germans laugh like that.”

“What are you saying? If I get impeached for all the illegal bullshit I’ve pulled, I’ve got a career in comedy?”

“You could be the next Bill Cosby. Lemme ask you something, Donald. You do know the idea of the United Nations is for countries to work together towards a better world, don’t you?”

“Who cares about the world? America first! And by America, I mean Republicans who vote for me.”

“I guess that’s why you bash our allies every chance you get.”

“Hey, didn’t I say great things about President Kim, and all the great things he’s doing in North Korea?”

“Not that he’s an ally. I can’t believe you said you were in love with the guy.”

“Why wouldn’t I be? He wrote me these beautiful letters, complimented my hair! Even Vladi never said that. But did the fake news media take it the right way? No, they didn’t. They said Donald Trump said they fell in love, how horrible. How horrible is that? So unpresidential. You tell me, Mikey, how could love ever be wrong?”

“Love in itself isn’t what’s wrong. It’s who you love.”

“But Jongy said nice things about me.”

“So what?”

“So, I’m an insecure narcissist, that’s what. Why else would I need to make up outrageous lies about myself?”

“Wow, a rare moment of self-reflection.”

“What are you talking about? I stare into the mirror all the time.”

“Not what I meant. The point is Kim Jong Un is a brutal and murderous dictator with a history of humans rights abuses. Stuff like systematic murder, torture, persecution of Christians, rape, forced abortions, starvation, slave labor camps leading to countless deaths. . .”

“You gotta break a few eggs, know what I mean? And look at how Kim’s people adulate him. I want my people to do the same.”

“The ones at your rallies sure do.”

“They better or I kick ’em out. That reminds me, I gotta get ready for tonight’s rally in Topeka.”

 

I don’t know I bother trying to talk sense to the president, but he’s not hearing it from his staff. Stay tuned for future updates and the fakest news in the business.

 

Meanwhile, if you love satire, check out my books. They’re full of political and social satire, not to mention quirky characters, wild adventures, and exotic locations.

 

Click here for a free copy of Breaking Good, the first novel in the Senor Bueno Travel Adventure series.