Fear and Loathing in Washington
If Hunter S. Thompson was still around, I know his next book would be Fear and Loathing in Washington. Which is why I called the FearMonger in Chief. Well, one reason. With the midterms looming, things have become crazier than ever in America. And that’s really saying something. For the fakest news in the business, check out my interview with the Donald. But first, enjoy this image of the Donald bragging about his very, very, large, well, you know.
“I had a feeling you’d be calling, Mikey.”
“Well, yeah, there’s a lot of things I want to talk to you about.”
“Well, hurry up, I’ve got a rant scheduled in a couple hours. You see me riling up the fake news media with my Nationalist comment?”
“Yeah, I did.”
“What’s the big deal?”
“People construe that as meaning you’re a White Nationalist or White Supremacist.”
“What’s wrong with that? I’m white and I’m supreme.”
“That sounds more racist than patriotic.”
“Why can’t a man be both? You see me getting my followers into a frenzy over immigration?”
“Yeah, that’s one of the things that’s bugging me. How come there’s so much fear and loathing in Washington?”
“That’s how I roll. Why the big sigh?”
“Lemme ask you ask you something. You say the most divisive things, rave that Democrats are truly evil. And out the other side of your mouth, you call for unity.”
“What’s your point? And stop sighing all the time.”
“Don’t you think that’s hypocritical?”
“What am I? A doctor?”
“Never mind. Let’s talk about the caravan.”
“The one full of Central America’s most violent criminals?”
“If by brutalized refugees, you mean violent criminals.”
“What’s the difference?”
“You know that the crime rate for immigrants is lower than that of native Americans.”
“Only because those redskins are too drunk not to be lazy, All they do is collect welfare and build casinos.”
“Let me stop you right there.”
“All right, forget the Injuns. What about the Middle Eastern terrorists forming most of the caravan? The one the Democrats organized to take over the country? To steal our jobs? To rape our women? Invade our vacation homes while collecting Social Security and voting Democrat? Why are you laughing?”
“Where do you come up with this crazy stuff?”
“Some of it comes from my pet ghoul.”
“You mean Stephen Miller? The guy who advised you to kidnap children?”
“Yeah, he’s got some great ideas. But most of this nonsense comes off the top of my very, very smart, uh. . .what’s the word I’m looking for?”
“You said some crazy things before, but you’re really getting out there.”
“Thanks. I took a tip from my very good and very stable genius friend Kanye, and threw away my bipolar medication.”
“You mean, things are gonna get worse?”
“Heh heh, you have no idea.”
“But, Donald, that immigration stuff you’re scaring Republicans with is a bunch of bullshit.”
“What makes you think that?”
“Because you’ve got nothing to back your outrageous claims up.”
“So? What about your books? Can you back up everything in them?”
“Well, no, but I write dark comedy.”
“Well, so do I. Don’t you read my Tweets?”
“Yeah, but I’m a novelist, you’re the President.”
“I don’t see your point. There you go, sighing again.”
The Magabomber
“I’m sighing because you just don’t get it.”
“Get what?”
“You and your buddies at Fox News have polarized this country. We’ve a cold civil war going on.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, the Magabomber, for instance. Here’s this violent lunatic sending bombs to prominent democrats. All of whom you’ve told horrible lies about.”
“Are they lies if my followers blindly believe everything I say?”
“Yes.”
“Oh. Well, tell me this, Mikey. How do you know the Deep State didn’t send those bombs? Or Hillary and Obama for that matter. We oughta lock them both up, then this might not happen again. Not unless the democrats are still leading in the polls.”
“I don’t think the democrats are trying to kill each other.”
“That’s a damn shame, but thankfully, we have the Magabomber to help.”
“Thank God the Magabomber is incompetent.”
“That’s why I wear diapers. Sad. . .”
“Huh?’
“I mean, this guy is really something, huh?”
“You approve?”
“All’s fair in love and war. I thought that Montana congressman who body slammed the reporter was my kind of guy. But this? Ha! Now this is really my kind of guy. I bet he’s really, really, uh. . .smart in his brain. And he’s rich. So rich you wouldn’t believe it. Also, the ladies love him.”
“Wait a second. . .you’re the Magabomber, aren’t you?”
“Where’d you hear that? Is there a leak in the White House?”
“Yeah, there is.”‘
“Who is it?”
“I’m talking to him.”
“Heh heh. I’m lucky no one reads your blog. Hey, what’s that sound?”
“Just my head exploding.”
“It does that a lot, doesn’t it?”
“When I’m talking to you, it does.”
“Ha! Just wait till you see what I do next week.”
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For a peek inside my books (killer images and funny scenes) go here.