Midterms
With the midterms looming, President Trump has gone into overdrive, pulling out all the stops. I talked with him about he migrant caravan, his superfan, Cesar Sayoc, his racist attack ad, and his penchant for bullshit. For the fakest news in the business, I’ll paraphrase our talk.
“It’s getting close to the midterms, Mikey. Whaddaya think? Am I the greatest or what?”
“What?”
“I said am I the greatest or what.”
“And I said what.”
“Huh?”
“You’re the greatest bullshitter I’ve ever met, I’ll give you that.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the 8.3 phony comments you’re averaging per day.”
“Is that all?”
“I know it doesn’t seem like much to you, but it adds up to over 5,000 turds you’ve laid on the American people since you got into office.”
“I don’t see your point.”
“My point is, rational people can’t believe a thing you say. You’re like the Bizarro president. Everything is the opposite. Why can’t you stick to the truth? Is it some kind of sickness?”
“Hey, I try, I do try. I always want to tell the truth, you know, when I can. Why are you laughing?”
“Come on, Donald.”
“Is it my fault if the fake news media makes my truthful hyperbole seem crazy?”
“All they’re doing is quoting your speeches or printing out your Tweets. How can that be fake news?”
“Consider the source.”
“That’s a good point. I gotta hand it to you, you come up with some wildly imaginative stuff.”
“Thanks.”
“It wasn’t a compliment.”
“Coming from a fiction writer, it sure sounds like one.”
“Yeah, but my crazy stuff makes people laugh.”
“Not the squares. Jeff Sessions loves to hate your stories.”
“That’s true. My stuff is not for the uncool or narrow-minded, but it’s not belligerent and dangerous.”
“How can you say my provocative raving is dangerous?”
“Well, for one thing, it made your Superfan Cesar Sayoc go nuts.”
“All right, that might’ve been a mistake.”
“Ya think?”
“Like you say, I should’ve chosen a more competent maniac, someone who actually knew how to rig explosives.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Whatever. You gotta admit, my concept was ingenious.”
“Really? Trying to take our the figureheads of the Democratic party and reporters at CNN was a wise move?”
“What’s with the attitude? It’s not like I inspired him by saying batshit crazy stuff about the evil Democrats and how they want to let murderers kill Republicans in their sleep.”
“Yeah, you did. And you got that right-wing maniac Jacob Wohl to offer women money to lie about Robert Mueller coming onto them.”
“Aw, shit, you heard about that?”
“It’s been all over the news.”
“He didn’t say where the money was coming from, did he?”
“I don’t think he has to.”
“Heh heh. . . Admit it, Mikey, you wouldn’t call him a madman if that my insane scheme worked.”
“Even for you, Donald, trying to extort the FBI’s lead investigator, is lame-brained.”
“I admit, that one kind of backfired. I’m God-like, but not perfect. Yet. But in all humility, I’m getting there.”
“I guess that’s why you relate so well with the common man.”
“You mean those maniacs at my rallies?”
“It blows my mind that you can be so arrogant, so elitist, so bombastic, so egotistical, so, well, full of shit, and yet, a news network, countless ranting right-wing conspirators, and a third of our country is devoted to you.”
“I know. It defies logic.”
“They repeat your lunatic theories as if they have no minds of their own.”
“It’s the American way.”
“Maybe so, but why don’t they realize you’re anti-American?”
“I may be in love with Kim Jong Un, Vladi, and MBS, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a Nationalist.”
“That’s not the same as being American. Just ask Hitler.”
“The only anti-American thing about me? I’m not crazy about the name.”
“I don’t blame you. Donald is a better name for a duck.”
“No, I mean America. Who was this America guy? A foreigner, right?”
“Well, yeah. . .”
“And why do we need three Americas? We got North America, where those untrustworthy Canadians lurk. We got South America, where all they do is play soccer and snort cocaine, and we got Central America, where all those viral, sexy men pick bananas. You see the abs on those guys?”
“Calm down, Donald.”
“Anyway, once I’m re-elected President, I’m changing the name of our country to Trumpland. It’s got a nice ring. Trumpland. Say it with me, Trumpland.”
“I’m afraid my mouth will explode. Let’s get back to your rants about the caravan.”
“You mean the one full of young, strong, hard-bodied men coming to rape out women that George Soros is paying for?”
“No, I mean the desperate refugees from a hostile government you support.”
“I guess you mean the desperate mob of welfare-seeking, serial-killing single moms looking to clean our hotel rooms and destroy our way of life.”
“No.”
“Then you have to mean the swarthy Middle Eastern hit teams smuggling nuclear arms inside Mexican children.”
“What kind of drugs are you on, anyway?”
“Heh heh, I took a tip from my good friend Kanye. I’m off the bi-polar meds. I get all the power I need from my MAGA hat.”
“This is you normal? Well, not normal, but. . .”
“I’m not the only one spouting this hysterical nonsense.”
“Who else is?”
“Stephen Miller, for one. Fox News, for another.”
“Have you done any fact checking in your relentless quest for the truth?”
When Donald finally stopped laughing, he said, “I can’t guarantee anything my pet ghoul says, but that doesn’t stop me from repeating it.”
“It sure doesn’t. You don’t think that’s irresponsible? I mean, you’re supposed to be the leader of our country, not the Conspirator in Chief.”
“And Fox News is supposed to be fair and balanced.”
We both cracked up at that one.
“You wanna see true leadership? I’ll show you leadership. I’ll send 15,000 troops to protect our southern border.”
“That’s three times the force we have in Iraq.”
“Right, and we’ll bring in more if the rocks start flying. A lot of people don’t know this, but brown-skinned women have strong arms.”
“You don’t think 15,000 troops have enough bullets to stop terrified refugees?”
“Not if the Middle Easterners start exploding those radioactive kids. Which is why we gotta get rid of our crazy, lunatic 14th amendment. No more birthright citizenship.”
“I don’t follow your logic.”
“That’s because I don’t have any.”
“Right. By the way, you can’t just overturn constitutional amendments at a whim.”
“I don’t see why not, I’m the Emperor. While I’m at it, I think I’ll 86 the 1st amendment.”
“No more freedom of the press?”
“That’ll teach ’em to put out fake news about me, won’t it, Mikey? Then I get rid of the no 3rd term clause and make myself dictator for life.”
At this point, Dr. Ricky, who must have been eavesdropping, burst into the Oval Office with a glass of water, a handful of pills, and a pair of husky orderlies. “Here you go, Mr. President, you forgot to take these earlier.”
If you like wacky humor full of political and social satire, zany misadventures, quirky characters, snappy dialogue, and exotic locations, check out my books. Start with a Free Copy of Breaking Good.
For a peek inside, go to my Books Page.