Judge Kavanaugh Confirmed
I hadn’t spoken with President Trump for a couple weeks, but I got a call yesterday morning. Let me see if I can paraphrase it for you. Ready for the fakest news in the business? Good, ’cause here comes some bull manure.
“Good morning, Mikey boy. Did you see the news? Judge Kavanaugh confirmed. What a great day for the Trumpster. The Democrats can kiss my ass. I told you I’d get Judge Kavanaugh confirmed.”
“I figured you’d be calling to gloat.”
“And you had your doubts about his fitness for the Supreme Court.”
“That’s true. I still do.”
“Why didn’t you want Judge Kavanaugh confirmed? Was it because of the serial date raping? His drinking problem? His belligerent attitude?”
“All three.”
“Tell me you don’t like beer.”
“I do, but I’m not in love with it. Besides, even without the beer he loves so much, he lost his cool at the hearings. He disrespected the senators.”
“Only the Democrats. Which is something I do all the time.”
“Right. But we need an even-tempered, non-biased guy on the Supreme Court, not someone who gets pissed off and starts crying. Not to mention, lying outright.”
“He didn’t always lie. Sometimes he stonewalled.”
“Exactly. And sometimes he made up bizarre conspiracy theories.”
“Actually, I made those up for him.”
“I knew it. Where’s the guy’s integrity?”
“Who cares about integrity or telling the truth?”
“Not you?”
After he stopped laughing, the Donald said, “You know me better than not. As long I win, I don’t care what it takes.”
“Why did you want Judge Kavanaugh confirmed so badly? You could’ve picked someone less controversial.”
“Because he told me he won’t let the Democrats put a sitting president in jail, and that’s all the only qualification I care about.”
“Ah. . . ”
“And so what if a guy grabbed a little pussy or took a golden shower when he was younger? It didn’t stop me from getting elected and becoming the greatest United States President in the history of the Universe. If you think about it, that makes me the epitome of creation.”
“Not evolution?”
“In the 6,000 years the Bible says we’ve been around, never has there been a more presidential, more beloved, more smarter, or handsomer billionaire. Are you laughing because I’m also the funniest human ever?”
Yeah, that’s it. And the more smarter comment.”
“The Chinese think I have a very, very big, uh, uh, what’s the word I’m looking for?”
“Ego?”
“And yet, some people think I’m a moron. Crazy, huh?”
“Yeah, that’s it. You seem extra-high on yourself this morning, Donald. A little meth in your coffee?”
“Heh heh. With the winning streak I’m on, why wouldn’t I feel high? I’ve stacked the Supreme Court with conservatives, I’ve got the lowest unemployment rate since the beginning of time, and I totally kicked ass at the U.N. You see how the world’s leaders respected my speech?”
Trump’s comedy skit at the U.N.
“I saw how they laughed when you told them your administration accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country.”
“I used to be worried that the people of the world were laughing behind my back, but now they’re laughing in my face.”
“You say that like it’s a good thing.”
“What do you mean? They were laughing with me, not at me, right?”
“You really can’t tell the difference, can you?”
“No, but my lackey Nikki Haley said they loved how honest I am. That I wasn’t diplomatic and they found that funny.”
“She got the second part right. I gotta tell ya, Donald, when you started raving about German dependence on Russia, you cracked the German delegation up. I gotta hand it to you, I’ve never seen Germans laugh like that.”
“What are you saying? If I get impeached for all the illegal bullshit I’ve pulled, I’ve got a career in comedy?”
“You could be the next Bill Cosby. Lemme ask you something, Donald. You do know the idea of the United Nations is for countries to work together towards a better world, don’t you?”
“Who cares about the world? America first! And by America, I mean Republicans who vote for me.”
“I guess that’s why you bash our allies every chance you get.”
“Hey, didn’t I say great things about President Kim, and all the great things he’s doing in North Korea?”
“Not that he’s an ally. I can’t believe you said you were in love with the guy.”
“Why wouldn’t I be? He wrote me these beautiful letters, complimented my hair! Even Vladi never said that. But did the fake news media take it the right way? No, they didn’t. They said Donald Trump said they fell in love, how horrible. How horrible is that? So unpresidential. You tell me, Mikey, how could love ever be wrong?”
“Love in itself isn’t what’s wrong. It’s who you love.”
“But Jongy said nice things about me.”
“So what?”
“So, I’m an insecure narcissist, that’s what. Why else would I need to make up outrageous lies about myself?”
“Wow, a rare moment of self-reflection.”
“What are you talking about? I stare into the mirror all the time.”
“Not what I meant. The point is Kim Jong Un is a brutal and murderous dictator with a history of humans rights abuses. Stuff like systematic murder, torture, persecution of Christians, rape, forced abortions, starvation, slave labor camps leading to countless deaths. . .”
“You gotta break a few eggs, know what I mean? And look at how Kim’s people adulate him. I want my people to do the same.”
“The ones at your rallies sure do.”
“They better or I kick ’em out. That reminds me, I gotta get ready for tonight’s rally in Topeka.”
I don’t know I bother trying to talk sense to the president, but he’s not hearing it from his staff. Stay tuned for future updates and the fakest news in the business.
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