Fear and Loathing in Washington

 

If Hunter S. Thompson was still around, I know his next book would be Fear and Loathing in Washington. Which is why I called the FearMonger in Chief. Well, one reason. With the midterms looming, things have become crazier than ever in America. And that’s really saying something. For the fakest news in the business, check out my interview with the Donald. But first, enjoy this image of the Donald bragging about his very, very, large, well, you know.

 

 

“I had a feeling you’d be calling, Mikey.”

“Well, yeah, there’s a lot of things I want to talk to you about.”

“Well, hurry up, I’ve got a rant scheduled in a couple hours. You see me riling up the fake news media with my Nationalist comment?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“What’s the big deal?”

“People construe that as meaning you’re a White Nationalist or White Supremacist.”

“What’s wrong with that? I’m white and I’m supreme.”

“That sounds more racist than patriotic.”

“Why can’t a man be both? You see me getting my followers into a frenzy over immigration?”

“Yeah, that’s one of the things that’s bugging me. How come there’s so much fear and loathing in Washington?”

“That’s how I roll. Why the big sigh?”

“Lemme ask you ask you something. You say the most divisive things, rave that Democrats are truly evil. And out the other side of your mouth, you call for unity.”

“What’s your point? And stop sighing all the time.”

“Don’t you think that’s hypocritical?”

“What am I? A doctor?”

“Never mind. Let’s talk about the caravan.”

“The one full of Central America’s most violent criminals?”

“If by brutalized refugees, you mean violent criminals.”

“What’s the difference?”

“You know that the crime rate for immigrants is lower than that of native Americans.”

“Only because those redskins are too drunk not to be lazy, All they do is collect welfare and build casinos.”

“Let me stop you right there.”

“All right, forget the Injuns. What about the Middle Eastern terrorists forming most of the caravan? The one the Democrats organized to take over the country? To steal our jobs? To rape our women? Invade our vacation homes while collecting Social Security and voting Democrat? Why are you laughing?”

“Where do you come up with this crazy stuff?”

“Some of it comes from my pet ghoul.”

“You mean Stephen Miller? The guy who advised you to kidnap children?”

“Yeah, he’s got some great ideas. But most of this nonsense comes off the top of my very, very smart, uh. . .what’s the word I’m looking for?”

“You said some crazy things before, but you’re really getting out there.”

“Thanks. I took a tip from my very good and very stable genius friend Kanye, and threw away my bipolar medication.”

“You mean, things are gonna get worse?”

“Heh heh, you have no idea.”

“But, Donald, that immigration stuff you’re scaring Republicans with is a bunch of bullshit.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Because you’ve got nothing to back your outrageous claims up.”

“So? What about your books? Can you back up everything in them?”

“Well, no, but I write dark comedy.”

“Well, so do I. Don’t you read my Tweets?”

“Yeah, but I’m a novelist, you’re the President.”

“I don’t see your point. There you go, sighing again.”

 

The Magabomber

 

“I’m sighing because you just don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“You and your buddies at Fox News have polarized this country. We’ve a cold civil war going on.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the Magabomber, for instance. Here’s this violent lunatic sending bombs to prominent democrats. All of whom you’ve told horrible lies about.”

“Are they lies if my followers blindly believe everything I say?”

“Yes.”

“Oh. Well, tell me this, Mikey. How do you know the Deep State didn’t send those bombs? Or Hillary and Obama for that matter. We oughta lock them both up, then this might not happen again. Not unless the democrats are still leading in the polls.”

“I don’t think the democrats are trying to kill each other.”

“That’s a damn shame, but thankfully, we have the Magabomber to help.”

“Thank God the Magabomber is incompetent.”

“That’s why I wear diapers. Sad. . .”

“Huh?’

“I mean, this guy is really something, huh?”

“You approve?”

“All’s fair in love and war. I thought that Montana congressman who body slammed the reporter was my kind of guy. But this? Ha! Now this is really my kind of guy. I bet he’s really, really, uh. . .smart in his brain. And he’s rich. So rich you wouldn’t believe it. Also, the ladies love him.”

“Wait a second. . .you’re the Magabomber, aren’t you?”

“Where’d you hear that? Is there a leak in the White House?”

“Yeah, there is.”‘

“Who is it?”

“I’m talking to him.”

“Heh heh. I’m lucky no one reads your blog. Hey, what’s that sound?”

“Just my head exploding.”

“It does that a lot, doesn’t it?”

“When I’m talking to you, it does.”

“Ha! Just wait till you see what I do next week.”

 

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Trump on 60 Minutes

 

Welcome back for more of the fakest news in the business. After watching Trump on 60 Minutes, I had to give him a call. Chief of Staff John Kelly won’t let me record our talks anymore, so I’ll have to paraphrase from memory.

After greetings, I said, “The world’s a mess. How come you’re so happy?

“You saw my triumphant victory on 60 Minutes?”

“I saw your interview, if that’s what you mean.”

“They love having Trump on 60 Minutes. Thanks to my popularity, their ratings go way up. They need need a cranky old man with Andy Rooney gone. What’d you think of my interview?”

“It was painful to watch.”

“You felt sorry for Lesley Stahl’s ass? The way I kicked it?”

 

 

“If by kicked ass you mean quoted bad science, insulted women, dodged questions, and interrupted continually.”

“What do you mean bad science? I have a natural instinct for science. My uncle was a professor at MIT. Besides, I’m president and you’re not. Which means I very, very big ego.”

“That’s not how it works. How can you deny manmade climate change?”

“My friends in the coal and oil industries have given me billions of reasons.”

“Right. I mean, besides dirty money.”

“Because the science is still out. Who knows? It could go the other way any day now.”

“If by any day, you mean millions of years after we and everything but rats and cockroaches are extinct.”

“See? I told you I knew science. Trump shoots, Trump scores! Next question.”

“What about your love affair with Kim Jong Un?”

“How could I resist a tyrant? He writes the nicest letters.”

“Yeah, for a ruthless maniac.”

“Wait a second, are you jealous?”

“Let’s move on. What about Dr. Christine Blasey Ford? You taunted the poor lady. Don’t you have any respect for women?”

“Again, what’s the big deal? It’s not like I tried to rape her. What am I? Judge Kavanaugh?”

“Right, you prefer horsefaced porn stars and Russian hookers.”

“What can I say? I’m a man of wealth and taste.”

“Lucifer?”

“Heh heh. . .”

Well, that explained a lot.

 

Rogue Killers

 

“Donald, I’m following the Jamal Khashoogi murder investigation and I saw your rogue killers comment. . .”

“I appreciate the support.”

“Support? I’m calling with a reality check. You’re giving the impression this kind of shit is okay as long the Saudis buy luxury apartments from you.”

“Don’t forget the hundred billion in arms. And is it the Saudi’s fault if rogue killers are inside their consulate?”

“Yes, it is. Especially when the rogue killers are a hit squad the Crown Prince sent to Turkey at 3 in the morning on private jets with a bone saw.”

“They say they were on holiday. And what were they supposed to do when a subversive middle-aged journalist picked a fight with them? You know how feisty journalists get.”

“An out of shape reporter takes on a 15-man hit squad and a bone saw?”

“Shows how deranged journalists are.”

“Come on, Donald, even you can’t be that ingenuous.”

“I’m a very stable ingenuous. Why shouldn’t I believe the Saudis spin on things? Even though it keeps changing?”

“Among a few dozen other reasons, because they left the same day with Khashoggi’s dismembered body in a suitcase.”

“They said the Crown Prince, who will make a great real estate partner by the way, called them back to the office. You know how it is.”

“See? That’s the thing. As long as money is involved, you’ll overlook the most blatant of lies.”

“Only if they’re uttered by brutal dictators. The ones by the fake news, where they take polls that say I’m a blatant liar, a sociopath, and the least popular president ever? Those I don’t overlook.”

“That’s true.”

“The Crown Prince, who loves staying at my hotels and wants a chain of them in his country, says he’ll get to the bottom of this. Why would he lie?”

“Same reason Putin lied about interfering with the elections. At least until he admitted it.”

“Even then I denied it.”

“Despite Vladi and everyone in the Intelligence Community telling you otherwise.”

“What’s your point?”

“Well, don’t you think that’s crazy?”

“Sure, it’s crazy, but I won and that’s all that counts.”

“What about human rights?”

“America first!”

“By America first, you mean Trump first, don’t you?”

“Why is everyone ignoring the real evidence?”

“What real evidence?”

“That Obama, Hillary, and the Deep State killed Khashoggi.”

“What?”

“What’s the big deal, anyway? The guy was a dissident fake news journalist. An enemy of the people. You remember what that Montana congressman did to that reporter? Body slammed the son of a bitch for asking a question. My kind of guy. You gotta hand it to the Saudis, though. Those sons of bitches really know how to deal with fake news journalists who tell the truth. So do my pals Vladi and Jongy. I wish I could get away with that here.”

“Maybe Judge Kavanaugh can work something out for you.”

Donald didn’t get sarcasm, and said, “Great idea!”

Well, our conversation devolved, if you can believe it, from there. Stay tuned for more fake news, ’cause there’ll be more wacky stuff to come. Unfortunately. . .

 

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Judge Kavanaugh Confirmed

 

I hadn’t spoken with President Trump for a couple weeks, but I got a call yesterday morning. Let me see if I can paraphrase it for you. Ready for the fakest news in the business? Good, ’cause here comes some bull manure.

“Good morning, Mikey boy. Did you see the news? Judge Kavanaugh confirmed.  What a great day for the Trumpster. The Democrats can kiss my ass. I told you I’d get Judge Kavanaugh confirmed.”

 

 

“I figured you’d be calling to gloat.”

“And you had your doubts about his fitness for the Supreme Court.”

“That’s true. I still do.”

“Why didn’t you want Judge Kavanaugh confirmed?  Was it because of the serial date raping? His drinking problem?  His belligerent attitude?”

“All three.”

“Tell me you don’t like beer.”

“I do, but I’m not in love with it. Besides, even without the beer he loves so much, he lost his cool at the hearings. He disrespected the senators.”

“Only the Democrats. Which is something I do all the time.”

“Right. But we need an even-tempered, non-biased guy on the Supreme Court, not someone who gets pissed off and starts crying. Not to mention, lying outright.”

“He didn’t always lie. Sometimes he stonewalled.”

“Exactly. And sometimes he made up bizarre conspiracy theories.”

“Actually, I made those up for him.”

“I knew it. Where’s the guy’s integrity?”

“Who cares about integrity or telling the truth?”

“Not you?”

After he stopped laughing, the Donald said, “You know me better than not. As long I win, I don’t care what it takes.”

“Why did you want Judge Kavanaugh confirmed so badly? You could’ve picked someone less controversial.”

“Because he told me he won’t let the Democrats put a sitting president in jail, and that’s all the only qualification I care about.”

“Ah. . . ”

“And so what if a guy grabbed a little pussy or took a golden shower when he was younger? It didn’t stop me from getting elected and becoming the greatest United States President in the history of the Universe. If you think about it, that makes me the epitome of creation.”

“Not evolution?”

“In the 6,000 years the Bible says we’ve been around, never has there been a more presidential, more beloved, more smarter, or handsomer billionaire. Are you laughing because I’m also the funniest human ever?”

Yeah, that’s it. And the more smarter comment.”

“The Chinese think I have a very, very big, uh, uh, what’s the word I’m looking for?”

“Ego?”

“And yet, some people think I’m a moron. Crazy, huh?”

“Yeah, that’s it. You seem extra-high on yourself this morning, Donald. A little meth in your coffee?”

“Heh heh. With the winning streak I’m on, why wouldn’t I feel high? I’ve stacked the Supreme Court with conservatives, I’ve got the lowest unemployment rate since the beginning of time, and I totally kicked ass at the U.N. You see how the world’s leaders respected my speech?”

 

Trump’s comedy skit at the U.N.

 

“I saw how they laughed when you told them your administration accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country.”

“I used to be worried that the people of the world were laughing behind my back, but now they’re laughing in my face.”

“You say that like it’s a good thing.”

“What do you mean? They were laughing with me, not at me, right?”

“You really can’t tell the difference, can you?”

“No, but my lackey Nikki Haley said they loved how honest I am. That I wasn’t diplomatic and they found that funny.”

“She got the second part right. I gotta tell ya, Donald, when you started raving about German dependence on Russia, you cracked the German delegation up. I gotta hand it to you, I’ve never seen Germans laugh like that.”

“What are you saying? If I get impeached for all the illegal bullshit I’ve pulled, I’ve got a career in comedy?”

“You could be the next Bill Cosby. Lemme ask you something, Donald. You do know the idea of the United Nations is for countries to work together towards a better world, don’t you?”

“Who cares about the world? America first! And by America, I mean Republicans who vote for me.”

“I guess that’s why you bash our allies every chance you get.”

“Hey, didn’t I say great things about President Kim, and all the great things he’s doing in North Korea?”

“Not that he’s an ally. I can’t believe you said you were in love with the guy.”

“Why wouldn’t I be? He wrote me these beautiful letters, complimented my hair! Even Vladi never said that. But did the fake news media take it the right way? No, they didn’t. They said Donald Trump said they fell in love, how horrible. How horrible is that? So unpresidential. You tell me, Mikey, how could love ever be wrong?”

“Love in itself isn’t what’s wrong. It’s who you love.”

“But Jongy said nice things about me.”

“So what?”

“So, I’m an insecure narcissist, that’s what. Why else would I need to make up outrageous lies about myself?”

“Wow, a rare moment of self-reflection.”

“What are you talking about? I stare into the mirror all the time.”

“Not what I meant. The point is Kim Jong Un is a brutal and murderous dictator with a history of humans rights abuses. Stuff like systematic murder, torture, persecution of Christians, rape, forced abortions, starvation, slave labor camps leading to countless deaths. . .”

“You gotta break a few eggs, know what I mean? And look at how Kim’s people adulate him. I want my people to do the same.”

“The ones at your rallies sure do.”

“They better or I kick ’em out. That reminds me, I gotta get ready for tonight’s rally in Topeka.”

 

I don’t know I bother trying to talk sense to the president, but he’s not hearing it from his staff. Stay tuned for future updates and the fakest news in the business.

 

Meanwhile, if you love satire, check out my books. They’re full of political and social satire, not to mention quirky characters, wild adventures, and exotic locations.

 

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