What Secrets Lurk in Kim Jong Un’s Personal Toilet?

Now that’s an intriguing headline. After seeing an article titled What Secrets Lurk in Kim Jong Un’s Personal Toilet, and I couldn’t resist reading the article. Or calling the Supreme Leader to find out. I mean, who wouldn’t want to know what secrets lurk in Kim Jong Un’s personal toilet? Me, for one. Probably you and anyone else not seriously twisted. Still, the question needed to be answered.

Which brings us to the U.S. government…let me explain. Or better yet, let Kim Jong Un tell you himself what secrets lurk in his personal toilet.

“Supreme Leader? You’re looking happy.”

“Ah, Señor Bueno. Nice of you to call and congratulate me.”

“That’s not really why I called. You busy or should I call back?”

“I’m just adjusting the sights on my anti-aircraft gun. Got a little purge going over here, but I’m never too busy to talk to you. After your help with the Donald, you’re like Dennis Rodman to me.”

“As long as I don’t have to dress or act like him.”

“Heh heh, there’s only one Dennis Rodman. To celebrate my political triumph, I’m giving all North Koreans a copy of Breaking Good and a bowl of rice.”

“I wish the Donald would do the same. At least with my book.”

“It’s the least I could do.

“Well, don’t give me too much credit.”

“Are you kidding? You may have stopped a world war. Who knows what would have happened if Donald and I didn’t behave ourselves. I think that deserves a little credit.”

“Thanks, Jongy. I did ask him not to start a thermonuclear war, but I never know if he’ll pay attention. Same problem his staff has.”

“I don’t have that problem here. Someone doesn’t pay attention to me? Heh heh, well, you know what happens.”

“I sure do. I think Donald would like to do the same thing to the press and the democrats, but we’ve got checks and balances here.”

“You sure about that? Seems he says and does whatever he wants.”

“That’s true. Crazy, huh? I guess we’ll see what happens if he goes on a murder spree.”

“I already know what will happen. Fox News will say it’s justified, that it’s Obama’s fault, and Donald’s followers will go along.”

“You’re probably right. I’ve got a question for you.”

“About my stunning performance on the world stage? Or how I got the most powerful leader in the world to come to me? About how he was honored to meet me? About how I got the “great negotiator” to give up war games with South Korea and gave him nothing but vague promises in return? How I have the better hair…”

“Nah, that’s not why I called. What the people here want to know is what secrets lurk in Kim Jong Un’s personal toilet.”

My feces are a state secret.

“Sorry, Mikey, my feces are a state secret, which is why I have soldiers guarding them.”

“Yeah, I saw a picture with the article. It showed an armed guard. Some career he’s got.”

“It’s an honor for him.”

“I’m sure he brags about it to friends. I gotta tell ya, I’ve never heard someone traveling with a personal toilet.”

“Not just one personal toilet. And if you ever took a dump in a North Korean rest stop, you’d want your own personal toilet, too.”

“You’re probably right about that. How many do you have, anyway?”

“Let’s see…I have an emergency commode in the backseat of my limo. Then there’s a designated toilet car in my motorcade, plus an all-terrain one that we tow for emergencies.”

“So, three shitters?”

“That’s just in the motorcade.”

“How often do you poop?”

“You wouldn’t believe it.”

“What’s up with that?”

“You’ve seen me. You don’t get this corpulent without eating a lot.”

“But you even brought one to Singapore. I’ve been there and that’s a clean place.”

“I must be vigilant. So must the armed guards who protect my toilets.”

“But why?”

“Because your government wants my poop.”

“What?”

“They’re looking for state secrets.”

“Or else, you’re just paranoid.”

“Funny you should say that. That’s what the people standing in front of my anti-aircraft gun thought. I’m about to prove them wrong.”

“I take it back.”

“I thought you might.”

And there you have it. I didn’t get the details, but I can assure the secrets lurking in Kim Jong Un’s personal toilet are dirty ones.

Stay tuned for the Donald’s spin on the Korean Summit.

Meanwhile, have you read my books yet? If not,see what my fans in North Korea are raving about. Or would be if they could read English.

Grab a free copy of Breaking Good and have some laughs!

For a look inside Breaking Good, click here.