Scott Pruitt Resigns As Head of E.P.A.
Naturally, when I heard the words, Scott Pruitt resigns from the E.P.A., I had to raise my fist into the air. When I heard President Trump saying Scott Pruitt did a great job, only resigned because the fake media said mean things about him, I had to call Donny and give him some shit. The Donald prefers I don’t tape our talks, you know, because of deniability factors, but I’ll paraphrase the salient parts for you.
“So, Donny, you finally started draining the swamp, huh?”
“Hi, Mikey, I had a feeling you’d be calling. Yeah, I took your advice, I let Pruitt resign with honor and dignity thanks to the fine job he’s been doing at the E.P.A.”
“Some fine job. He talked you out of the Paris accord, he deregulated everything that could be deregulated, he spent taxpayer money like a billionaire on a binge. . .”
“Thank God he got all that done before he had to go, right?”
“Wrong. Scott Pruitt resigns has a nice sound to it, but his legacy lives on to undo everything progressive that’s been to slow down global warming. On his last day, that son of a bitch removed a cap on SuperPolluter trucks. Trucks that produce 55 times the pollution limits. I hope you get on top of that.”
Scandal-Plagued Scott Pruitt resigns with honor, dignity, and glory.
“Ah, why bother? It’s far too late to save the environment now. The newest prediction is that global warming might be twice as bad as they thought.”
“That’s because of policies like yours.”
“Exactly. By the time I get done, it could be four times worse. Shows what idiots scientists are. Besides, where’s the profit in environmentalism? You know how much money Big Coal and Big Oil lobbyists spend every year?”
“Billions?”
“That’s right. Now when alternative fuel sources can afford to, ahem, compensate us so generously, we might change our policies. Till then, Mikey, face facts. This is a capitalist society and the country elected me to make them money, not protect human rights and Mother Earth.”
It’s hard to argue with a billionaire sociopath. Same as it is with his followers, who yell at me, “Forget human rights, look at the stock market index!”
“That’s what I don’t get, Donald. Sure, some fat cats were on your side, but you carried discontented poor people.”
“Yeah, those deplorables fooled everyone.”
“Even women voted for you. I saw a clip of you up in North Dakota the other day ranting about the evil Elitists. You asked what was elite about the Elitists when you were more elite than they were. You boasted how your apartment was nicer, how your boat was bigger. How you were more handsome than any other president or celebrity.”
“Well, aren’t I?”
When I stopped laughing, I asked, “What I want to know, is why were those people, none of whom had a nicer apartment or boat, cheering for you? You’re the epitome of everything you ranted about.”
“What can I say? The people love me. Haven’t you seen the polls?”
“Yeah, I have. They say you’re the most unpopular president in history. Worse than Nixon and George W. Bush. Even Taft.”
“Not the fake polls, Mikey, the real ones my staff takes.”
“Those might be a little biased.”
“All right, how about the ones from Russia that Vladimir sends me? I’m number one over there.”
I sighed. “Well, at least Pruitt’s gone. I’m sure Andrew Wheeler, ex-coal lobbyist, won’t be any better for the country, but hopefully, he won’t have dozens of scandals.”
“Ol’ Scott got carried away, didn’t he? Sure, he had a few scandals, but man, the guy was loyal. . .”
A few scandals?
“A few scandals? He spend over 100 g’s on a trip to Italy. The guy spent 43 g’s on a secure phone booth. He spent 3 million bucks for a 24/7 security staff of 18. He uses sirens and flashing lights in his motorcade to go to lunch.He put biometric locks on his office door. He flew everywhere first class because he felt threatened. He needs a security team to drive him to various Ritz-Carlton Hotels because he wants a special skin lotion.” I went on like that till I ran out of breath, then asked, “Why is this guy so damn paranoid?”
“You do all the dirty deeds I ask of you, you’ll be paranoid, too.”
“That’s for sure. I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror or sleep at night.”
“That’s what you get for having a conscience. You know, a lot of Scott’s paranoia is your fault.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Thanks to you and that Carl Hiaasen (@Carl_Hiaasen) tweeting about him all the time, people were coming up to him in restaurants, telling him to resign.”
“Heh heh, good. Paranoia is one thing, but Pruitt was depraved, abusive. He sent staffers out for snack food, to pick up his dry cleaning, to buy a used mattress from your hotel. What was that all about? Wait a second, let me guess. . .something to do with hookers and golden showers?”
“Heh heh, sorry, Mikey, I promised not to tell.”
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
I listed another dozen or scandalous things I knew about Scott. Donald considered Scott’s many flaws and said, “I can overlook petty stuff like that, but the final straw was when he tried to get a Chik-fil-A for his wife. Now that showed bad judgment.”
“Really? Out of all the horrendous things Pruitt did at the E.P.A., you choose the Chik-fil-A scandal as the final straw?”
“Shows bad decision making.”
“So does sending E.P.A. staff to buy a urine-covered mattress.”
“Maybe so, but Chik-fil-A? Really? When he could’ve tried for a McDonald’s? Give me a break. There’s nothing better than chomping down a Big Mac while watching Shark Week with a porn star, am I right, Mikey?”
“That’s what you tell me. I’m not judgmental, you know that. What you pervs do in your private life isn’t my concern. But when one of your cabinet members robs taxpayers blind, and another wants to throw every marijuana user in jail, I’ve got some legitimate complaints. You wanna throw someone in jail, Scott Pruitt’s your man.”
The Attorney General job is yours.
“Like I keep saying, Mikey, you want Sessions out? You want Pruitt charged? The Attorney General job is all yours.”
“Man, that is tempting. I could legalize pot on a federal level.”
“That’s right. All your life you’ve been crusading for personal liberties, fighting the government the whole way; now’s your chance to change things from the inside.”
Sounds like a dream come true, right? Mikey G. saves the country from madness. I liked the sound the of it, but there remained one buzzkilling problem.
“Do I still have to sign the loyalty pledge first?”
“Of course, you know loyalty is more important than honesty in my administration.”
“That’s what Sarah Huckabee Sanders told me. Look at the toll lying all the time has taken on her.”
“I know, she looks like a ghoul, won’t get a makeover. I gotta find a hotter spokeswomen. Too bad Hope Hicks left.”
“She get tired of the groping?”
“Heh heh. . .”
Something had to be done. I considered the loyalty pledge for a bit. Did the benefits to the country outweigh my personal feelings? Many would say so, but then they’d never ridden around the golf course with Trump watching him cheat and then listening to him brag about breaking the course record. I mean, a man can only take so much. Imagine seeing him every day? Still, if I could change the world from inside the swamp, maybe I should go for it. And if I went for it, I’d go big, like I always do.
“So, if I was A.G., I could run the Department of Justice the way I wanted? Indict evil-doers, end policies that involve kidnapping babies and ignore civil rights? I could protect our citizens from lobbyists and the politicians in their pockets?”
“Sure, go ahead, drain the swamp.”
President Trump and I seemed to be on the same page, which I knew from experience meant he was off his meds. This might be a good time to explore my new position in the cabinet.
“Really? As A.G. I can drain the swamp?”
“That’s right, Mikey boy.”
“Because I’ll start right at the top.”
“You mean Hillary? Jeff Bezos? The media?”
“You’ll see.”
“Wait a second. . .you mean me?”
“If the golf shoes fit. . .”
“Good one.”
“Stop laughing, I’m serious.”
“Don’t waste your time, I’ll just give myself a Presidential Pardon. I can do anything I want! I’m the Teflon Donald.”
What do you think, folks? Should I become Attorney General? Do the pros outweigh the cons? It’s a big decision and I could use some help.
Meanwhile, I better get back to my writing. I’m prepping my first novel, Breaking Good, for a paperback edition. It involves another President who’d gone off the rails, a certain evil madman named Richard Milhouse Nixon, who happened to be my Uncle Dick. If you haven’t already grabbed a free copy, grab one right now and start laughing.
Click here for a free copy of Breaking Good!
Click here for a peek inside Breaking Good!