President Trump and Kim Jong Un
Everyone is talking about President Trump and Kim Jong Un and their historic meeting in Singapore. Especially President Trump. He called me to gloat about it as soon as he got on Air Force One. His handlers won’t let me tape our conversations anymore, so I’ll try to recall our talk.
But first, a picture of President Trump and Kim Jong Un enjoying a dirty joke.
“See me kicking ass in Singapore, Mikey? President Trump and Kim Jong Un, talk about a mismatch. That’s your president making America great again!”
“Well, I saw you on TV, but I don’t remember any ass kicking. Unless it was yours getting kicked by Kim Jong Un. At least that’s what the media tells me.”
“Don’t listen to that fake news.”
“What do you mean? I never watch Fox.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I know. Tell me again about the ass kicking.”
“Didn’t Kim promise to think about maybe denuclearizing North Korea sometime in the vague future if I did everything he wanted?”
“See? That’s what I’m talking about. A meeting between President Trump and Kim Jong Un was a chance for you to show off your negotiating skills. With you being the greatest negotiator of all time and all, America was hoping for something concrete. Not a president who was honored to meet a brutal dictator.”
“All right, he runs his country tough, I’ll give you that. But the people love him. You see the fervor. He’s talented and he’s funny.”
“Funny?”
“He tells a joke? The entire country laughs. How come Americans aren’t that loyal to me?”
“Oh, I think plenty of Americans are laughing at you. But not because they’re happy. Same as the citizens of North Korea, only without the death penalty.”
“I’m working on that.”
“Oh boy… Lemme ask you something, Donald. How come you called off the war games with South Korea without advising South Korea or our own military?”
“Oh, that was a spur of the moment thing, a favor for Supreme Leader Kim. You know me, I go by touch, by feel.”
“That’s what Stormy tells me. Wait a second, you didn’t grab Kim by the pussy, did you?”
“What’s a reach around between good friends?”
“Sorry I asked. I gotta tell ya, Donald, the press hears you handed Kim a huge political coup on a whim, they’re gonna make you look even worse. And that is really saying something.”
“Between you and me, Vlad gave me the idea.”
“Putin suggested it?”
“I get some of my best ideas from him. Or haven’t you noticed?”
“Oh yeah, I’ve noticed. I think everyone not a Republican has. What is going on? Are you three forming a new Axis of Evil or something?”
“You mean because I picked a fight with the G-7? Alienated all our closest allies while praising up some of the worst regimes on the planet?”
Making America feel safe.
“Well, yeah. Whatever happened to making America feel safe?”
“Don’t worry about Canada. I’m building a wall up there, too. And they’ll pay for it.”
“I meant safe from Kim, not from Trudeau.”
“I knew in the first minute Kim was honorable and trustworthy. But Trudeau, with his perfect hair and those bizarre eyebrows? What’s going up with those?”
“Let’s focus on Kim.”
“Hey, I could be wrong. Not that I’ll ever admit it.”
“I don’t know how you can call Kim any more trustworthy than people call you. Both of you are infamous for breaking deals.”
“And yet we’re both in charge. Funny how that works, isn’t it?”
“It’s more ironic than funny.”
“You make a point. Who knows with Little Rocket Man? He might have a whim of his own and nuke South Korea. Would that be so bad? Think of the money we’ll save not having to defend them.”
“Yes, it would. Plus, he might not stop there.”
“So? Let him take out California. That’d teach Jerry Brown not to be so progressive. Also, wipe out a lot of illegal aliens. You know they’re all rapists and murderers…”
“Let’s get back on track. Did you accomplish anything but give Kim a complete victory?”
“I don’t like to brag, but if I did, I’d be the best ever.”
“Get to the point.”
“Sure, how this? I’ve personally ended the nuclear threat from North Korea. Everyone can sleep at night now. Not like when Obama was president. And if the ungrateful America people want something more concrete than peace of mind, how about a glamorous new Trump Tower in Ping Pong?”
“Where?”
You know what I mean. They’ve got some great beaches there. You ever watch a sunset with rockets blasting overhead? I can market the shit out of that to Bolton and his crowd. You want a time share? I do owe you something.”
“For what?”
“Well, we didn’t push any buttons, did we? I know you were worried about that.”
“Well, that’s something, but I’d trade a time share in North Korea for a signed deal to denuclearize in a heartbeat.”
“Hey, I was only there one day. These things take time.”
“You couldn’t extend your trip?”
“Not if I wanted to make our tee time.”
“What tee time?”
“Didn’t Jared call you? We’re playing with Vlad and Jongy at Mar al Lago this weekend. I know you love riding with me, but this time you get to ride with the Supreme Leader. Talk about flatulence. It’s no wonder he’s got a toilet in his limo.”
“No way, Donny. Not the way you cheat.”
“But the Supreme Leader wants to talk about legalizing pot.”
“He does?”
“After reading Breaking Good, his worldview widened.”
“Even so…”
“I thought you were all concerned with world peace.”
“I am.”
“Then you better be on Air Force Two in time for match.”
Aw, man, what I do for my country. Still, it’s good to know my writing may be saving the world from nuclear destruction…even if my books aren’t selling. At least I’m big in North Korea, where the Supreme Leader has given everyone a copy. Not that they can read English, but it was a nice gesture.
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