The Helsinki Summit
All everyone’s been talking about this week is the Helsinki Summit, starring Donald Trump and best friend Vladimir Putin. When I saw our brave president squirming toad-like at the press conference when asked if he believed Russia meddled with the election? I gotta tell ya, I’m having trouble with what’s going on. Which is why I called the Donald about the Helsinki Summit, a meeting that insiders have called “disgraceful,” and a hell of a lot worse. The Donald’s handlers won’t let me tape our talks, nor do they want him talking to me at all, but you know how he is at taking advice. Even sensible suggestions like mine. And yet, I gotta try. Obviously, the Republican party hacks are afraid to.
In this shot from the Helsinki Summit Putin is telling Donald, “Make sure Mike Pence is out of my new office when I arrive in Washington.
“There you are, Donald. You’ve been back from the Helsinki Summit all week and haven’t returned my calls. What’s up with that?”
“Sorry, Mikey, it’s been a brutal week. I feel betrayed.”
“How do you think America feels?”
“Who cares? What about me? Even Fox News questioned my amazing victory in Helsinki. When Fox starts making up fake news, well. . .”
“Yeah, they’d never do that.”
“You seem uptight. What’s wrong?”
“I can’t believe you didn’t have the balls to tell Putin to his face that you knew his team of GRU agents meddled in the election. We talked about it before you left and you’ve said it numerous times in previous press conferences, but when it comes to standing tall, making America proud like you promised, you shrink like a violet–in front of the whole world. I wouldn’t call that presidential.”
“What do you mean?”
“Come on, Donny, you know what I mean. The same thing you’ve been hearing all week. You take the word of our nation’s enemy over our own intelligence agencies.”
“But he was extremely strong and powerful in his denial. Other stuff, too, if you know what I mean.”
“Please, Donald, focus.”
“Hey, I’ve said it could have been Russia, but it could have been a lot of people. We’ve all been foolish.”
“That’s what everyone who voted for you should be telling themselves.”
“Always with the jokes. But you know how it is, there are a lot of people out there. Last time I checked, millions.”
“You mean billions. But those billions of people were not the 12 GRU agents Mueller indicted.”
“Who knows for sure? Maybe it was a 400 pound fat guy.”
“Somehow I don’t think so. Nobody else does either.”
“Look, if it makes you and America feel better, Vladi made an incredible offer to have his own intelligence agents quiz the indicted GRU guys. That seems more than fair to me.”
“Not if you wanna get at the truth.”
“Here’s how much I want to get to the truth. I’m sending Mueller, his entire team, and any witnesses he may have to Russia. Hillary and Obama, too, if I can get them on the plane.”
“One way tickets, I presume.”
“Don’t worry, Vladi’s picking up the tab. Who knows, once they get a taste of Putin’s hospitality, they may never come back. And really, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I don’t see why Russia would meddle in the election when everyone knew I’d kick Hillary’s crooked ass all over the place. I’m sorry, Mikey, but Vladimir’s word is good for enough for me. I’ll take it over the CIA any day.”
“Other people aren’t so gullible. In fact, they can’t believe you are, either.”
“What are they saying?”
“John Brennan, former CIA Director, mentioned “high crimes and treason.” He suggests you’re in the pocket of Putin.”
“Pfft. . .I’d never fit.”
“It’s a figurative term. Means he’s got something on you. Which we both know is true.”
“The pee tapes? Big deal, everyone knows about those, and nothing’s happened. It’s not like I’m a Catholic priest. There’s no morality clause when you’re president, and if there was, you can pardon yourself from it.”
“I’m not talking about the pee tapes.”
“Oh. . . You’re not going to rat me out are you?”
“You know me, I have a code. On the other hand, I can’t take much more of this. Sooner or later, something might slip to someone not as close-mouthed as me.”
“Would a hotel in Siberia change your mind?”
“No, it’ll take a change in your, ahem, leadership style.”
“I don’t have one.”
“See? That’s a big part of the problem.”
What about my triumphant meeting with NATO?
“What about my triumphant meeting with NATO? That’s gotta count for something.”
“Oh, I’m sure it does. Also, what triumphant meeting?”
“You kidding, when I left everyone was thrilled. They even said, “Thanks.”
“Donald, you’re too much.”
“Too much man for the Queen. Did you see how tiny she was next to me. I could’ve body slammed her just like that.”
“Let’s get back to NATO. At the press conference, I noticed a guy from Brussels asking how they could trust you, when you say one thing, then Tweet another.”
“How can I be expected to say what I mean, when my mind changes so often?”
“For a very stable genius, Don, you say some crazy stuff. What did you mean when you told NATO to shell out more bucks or you’d do your own thing.”
“Oh, that’s a little secret between Vladimir, Jongy, and me.”
“That’s what I figured. Who’s your next new pal gonna be? The Ayatollah?”
“That’s an idea. I’ll run it by Bolton. Hey, Mikey, you see the soccer ball Putin gave me? Bet you wish he gave you one.”
After that, the Donald’s attention wavered relentlessly. I guess he was coming off the meds. Anyway, America, I’ll keep fighting the good fight, calling them as I see ’em, hoping I can help get our president on track before we’re the United States of Russia.
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