Growing Pot In The Hawaiian Rainforest
I’d followed my dream to Maui. You know, the one about having a life of fun and adventure and growing pot to the Hawaiian rainforest. This time, in the jungle surrounding my new pad in Happy Valley off the Hana Highway on Maui’s North Shore. If you’ve ever given thought of growing pot in the Hawaiian rainforest, it probably seemed like a cinch. I know it did to me. Why wouldn’t it be? You had perfect conditions: sun, rain, lots of privacy. . .everything a plant needed to thrive. And yet, when the Happy Valley Hui hiked into the jungle to pick a plot, I learned there could be problems, and not just with rampaging centipedes. In one case, the problem looked like an ostrich and was named the Professor. Before reading this week’s excerpt from my upcoming book Maui Wowee, get a gander of what we’d be dealing with. No, the back lawn, but the rainforest we’d be growing pot in just beyond.
Picking Our Rainforest Plot
“It’s damn near January,” I ranted. “We gotta get it in gear if we’re gonna pull off a stunt crop, if it’s not too late.”
It kinda was, but I’d seen seeds popped in early January mature in time (some, anyway, depending on genetics), and I didn’t wanna wait till spring to start with the growing. With the Mamba Kush strain fifty percent hash plant, it’d finish quicker than our usual sativa crops. There was still hope—if only the Professor would shut up and grab a shovel.
“Easy, brah,” he said, holding up his hands like a traffic cop, putting the hyper young grower in his place. “I’d like to tour the property a few more times, get a better feel for the place, check out the vibes, perform feng shui.”
And then he said a bunch more stuff a bunch more times. Whatever it was, I tuned out, and banged my head on a tree.
When I awoke, I said, “While you check out the vibes, Ray and I can germinate the seeds and start clearing.”
“What’s the big rush?”
“For one thing, we’re running out of time. For another, the moon’s in first-quarter Cancer.”
“So the moon has cancer. What’s that got to do with starting seeds?”
“The moon doesn’t have cancer.”
“You just said it did.”
I counted to ten, then said, “Forget the cancer part. The point is, today is perfect for starting seeds.”
“You said that a month ago.”
“It was even more perfect then.”
“How can something be more perfect than perfect?”
He had me there, so I said, “That’s not the point.”
“And what’s this nonsense about the moon. What are you, an astronaut?”
“You mean astrologist?”
He rolled his beady eyes. “Whatever, Mr. Webster.”
A little support from my old mentor would be nice, but Ray seemed amused by the banter.
I tried again. “Ray and I use the Moon Sign Book for planting schedules, don’t we, Ray?”
T.P. gave Ray a look. “Is he serious?”
Ray nodded. “It’s true, Professor. I’ve been using the Moon Sign Book for years.”
T.P. shook his tiny head. “Well, I don’t buy it.”
I said, “Fine, Professor Scrooge, I’ll buy one for you.”
“Go ahead, but I won’t read it.”
“All right, forget the Moon Sign Book. Why not germinate seeds? You do wanna grow pakalolo, don’t you?”
At this point, I wasn’t sure anymore. Had I spent twenty-five g’s to argue with a guy who looked like an ostrich with earrings?
“You’re missing the point.”
“Growing pot isn’t the point?”
“I’m glad you asked.”
The Hulk shook his muscular head and sighed. It sounded like a bear roaring. Ray took the Hulk a step further and kicked me in the shin.
“What?”
“Don’t get him started,” warned Ray.
“Started?”
“Way too late for that,” said T.P.
Now I sighed.
“That’s better,” he gloated, pleased how things were going. Or not going, depending on your point of view.
We started walking, slowly, to better “feel the vibes” of the jungle.
When we reached the first guava forest, the one Ray and I had admired the day before, Ray said, “Mikey likes this place. Reminds him of Kona.”
“Oh, yeah,” said T.P., “is that right?”
“Yeah, man, these guava forests are great for growing in.”
“Why?”
I demonstrated. “For starters, you can grab a snack while you work.”
“What else?”
T.P. wanted details? I’d give him details—more than he knew what to do with.
“Their Latin name is Psidium Guajava. It’s a combination of Arawak and Spanish.”
“What’s an Arawak?”
“They were a group of Indians living in the Caribbean and the northern tip of South America. They were there to greet and eat Columbus.”
“Eat him?”
“White meat was a novelty in those times. Instead of providing a snack, Columbus taught them about firearms, a hostile God, and venereal diseases.”
“You’re making that up.”
Ray shook his head. “You don’t know Mikey yet.”
“But the Arawaks aren’t the point, T.P., guavas are. They’re part of the Myrtle family.”
“Myrtle who?”
You see what I was up against? I cut the lesson short, sort of. But not before I gave the long-talking T.P. a taste of his own medicine.
“Their fruits have four times more vitamin C than oranges, and with careful pruning they provide the optimum mix of sun and camouflage. With my light meter, I’ve calculated that at. . .”
The Professor cut me off. “Jesus, Mikey, what are you, a botulist?”
“A what?”
“You know, like a librarian for plants.”
“Well, I don’t have a horticulture degree, if that’s what you mean. Just made some observations, did a little calculus.”
“Wait a minute, you’re some kind of nerd, aren’t you?”
Ray laughed. “Not just some kind of nerd.”
“Ex-nerd,” I insisted. “If it helps any, my professors hated me.”
“I know how they felt,” said T.P.
“The feeling was mutual,” I mumbled. “I think it still is.”
“Don’t believe that ex-nerd shit,” said Ray. “He still reads all the time.”
“Zap Comix?” asked T.P.
“He reads everything. He devoured our library on organic gardening at the farm. And I mean that literally.”
I’d bulked up with knowledge, thinking maybe I’d get a PhD in horticulture. My card would read: Dr. Mike. Have botany, will travel.
The Hulk seemed to like my theories. I could tell from the nods and non-committal shrugs he made—but T.P. had other ideas.
“These guavas will never do. If we’re gonna grow a ton, you guys, you’d better listen to the Professor. Right, Hulk?”
The Hulk gave it some thought. “Well. . .”
“See?” said T.P. “Hulky knows what he’s talking about. And you don’t want to argue with the Hulk. Or do you, Mikey?”
No, I did not. No one, not even locals, wanted to argue with the Hulk. He was a human version of Haleakala: placid when dormant, catastrophic when aroused. Picture a force of nature with huge feet. We hiked five minutes further and saw our second choice: another perfect guava forest.
The Professor shook his head, then pointed at an unbroken section of forest. “Over there is better.”
It wasn’t. The trees were a mix of Christmasberry, Java plum, and huge trees with hard-to-pronounce Latin names. Their names weren’t important, but their size was. I liked my canopies within reach of my loppers or pole saw. If the canopy was too thick, I’d trim out enough branches to let in dappled light. Plants in full sun yielded more, but not enough to offset the risk of discovery. The trees in the Professor’s area of choice varied from a reasonable ten feet to an unreasonable hundred feet. The shorter trees were Brazilian peppers, but everyone called them Christmasberry trees. Christmasberries had little red berries, a jillion branches, and thick foliage that blocked the sun and killed undergrowth. An invasive species, they spread like crazy, and were a pain in the ass to trim.
After I explained that to the Professor, he said, “Thought you wanted camouflage.”
“Not this much. The guavas would be much easier to trim.”
“Afraid of a little work? The Hulk sure isn’t.”
“What? No.”
“Good. Glad we’ve got that settled.”
“Oh no, we don’t.”
T.P. held up his hands. “All right, you win. Since you don’t like the Christmas berries, we’ll grow under the big trees.”
“Aarrgh. . .”
“Jesus, Ray, is there no pleasing this guy?”
As you can see, Maui Vice, pig hunters, and ripoffs weren’t my only challenges in Happy Valley. Intrigued? I hope so, also that you read Maui Wowee when I publish it next month!
Meanwhile, if you haven’t read the first book in the Señor Bueno Travel Adventure series, grab a Free copy of Breaking Good by clicking this link.