I’m posting today with a link to the first chapter of Maui Wowee, the next book in the Senor Bueno Travel Adventure series, but let me tell you about my golf date with the Donald. With the historic meeting between President Trump and fellow maniac Kim Jong Un looming, I was surprised to be golfing with the Donald at Mar al Lago the other morning. Still, how could I turn down the Donald’s request for advice? Especially with the North Korean summit coming up. With John Bolton calling for the “Libya Option,” Donny needed someone sensible riding in his golf cart. I’ll try to recall our conversation on the course.
“I appreciate the invite, Donny. The course is looking good.”
“Thanks. So is the first chapter of Maui Wowee.”
“You read it?”
“Heh heh, no. Your nemesis Jeff Sessions read it to me. Once again, you got him really steamed up.”
“It’s not hard to do. The man does not like me.”
“Here’s your chance to take some money off that spineless traitor. Scott Pruitt’s riding with Sessions. They’re both hackers. We’ll clean up. First, take my picture so your readers can revel in my form.”
With the Donald as my partner, winning was guaranteed. The guy cheated more than Nixon, and that’s really saying something. Still, I wasn’t stoked.
“Aw, man, we gotta play with Sessions and Pruitt? They make me putt everything out.”
“What’s the problem? You’re on my team and I give myself everything inside six feet. Anyone complains, I’ll have the Secret Service taser them.”
“Yeah, no kidding.” I’d learned that lesson the hard way.
“See how I dissed Little Jeff at the cabinet meeting? Praised the rest of those madmen and barely mentioned my Attorney General.”
“I did, but on the other hand, I did not like you praising that son of a bitch Scott Pruitt. That asshole hates the environment and you put him in charge of the E.P.A.”
“I keep telling you, Mikey, that global warming business is fake news. Let me ask you something. Does it not still snow in the winter?”
“Look, Donald, ignorance of what’s going in the world is one thing, but outright corruption is another.”
“You mean about collusion with Putin? I’ll have Michael Cohen write you a check.”
“No. I’m talking about Pruitt, not your collusion with the Russians.”
“Whew, good. What about him?”
“Don’t get me started, ’cause I won’t finish till after the round. How can you ignore the dozens of scandals Pruitt’s been involved with? And that’s just this week…”
“I’m not ignoring his behavior. I just had my staff notify him not to abuse the White House dining room. That cheapskate ordered his own table. On my tab. Destroying the planet is one thing, but running up my tab? I don’t think so.”
“What is it with your cabinet and tables? Ben Carson spent 131 g’s of taxpayer money because his old table was dangerous?”
“I’ve got some real crackpots, don’t I? They almost make me look good.”
“Enough about those guys, what about Kim Jong Un? You feeling prepared for the big summit.”
“I think I’m very well prepared. I think I don’t have to prepare much.”
“Wait…you just contradicted yourself.”
“So? Nothing unusual about that.”
“Usually you wait a day.”
“I like to keep people off balance. It’s all about attitude, and mine is belligerent. If Little Rocket Man doesn’t bend and over and spread ’em, I’ll go in the hard way.”
“What do you mean, the hard way?”
“I think–I think for me, nuclear…the power, the devastation is very important to me.”
“Oh boy, that’s what you meant. Either that or, well… The trouble is, Kim Jong Un feels the same way. You two guy gotta chill out.”
“What do suggest?”
“You need to get together, bust out a doobie of my Maui Wowee, and bury the hatchet.”
“Hmm, bury the hatchet, huh? Sounds like fun, but I think I’d rather nuke him. Why have toys like that if you’re not going to use them, right, Mikey?”
“Wrong, Donald. By bury hatchet, I meant make peace, not war. Read the first chapter of Maui Wowee if you need reminding how uncool war is. Even without nukes, the ridiculous war on marijuana was a real buzzkiller. Still is in most places.”
“Well, we’ll see how it goes. You know me, I like to go by my guts. And if it doesn’t go my way? I’ll take my bomb and go home. Then I’ll climb into my bomb shelter and send it back, heh heh…”
And I remember when George W. Bush seemed bad. Actually, he still does, but everything is relative. Even Nixon’s ghost is thinking, “Finally, someone more out there than me!”
By the back nine, kicking the shit out Jeff Sessions and Scott Pruitt, something I enjoyed, the Donald lightened up, seemed to give my advice some thought. We can only hope he remembers it if and when the summit occurs in Singapore.
Click here to read the First Chapter of Maui Wowee and have some laughs.
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