Fear and Loathing In Washington
Too bad Hunter S. Thompson isn’t still around. I can see his next book: Fear and Loathing In Washington. With the White House turned into Crazytown, and my blog readers demanding their fake news be fair and balanced, I’ve become a news junkie. Not a good thing, given what’s on the news, but it hasn’t been this intriguing since my Uncle Dick was impeached in the 70’s. Ah, good times. There’s been talk about impeaching President Trump, that’s how bad the fear and loathing in Washington has become, but then we’re stuck with Mike Pence. It’s a choice between autocracy and theocracy, with democracy tossed out with the environment. I talked with a ranting President Trump and I’ll try to recall the gist of our conversation for you.
“Mikey? You gotta help me figure out who Anonymous is.”
“Sorry, Donald, I’m no rat.”
“Thank God for that or I’d already be impeached.”
“Clever of you to pick Pence as your V.P. No one wants that guy in charge.”
“Proves I’m the smartest president ever.”
“And yet Defense Secretary James Mattis said you had the understanding of a 5th or 6th grader.”
“That high, huh? Tell Jim thanks for me.”
“It wasn’t a compliment.”
“Oh. Well, John Kelly thinks highly of me.”
“Really? He called the White House crazytown. Said working for you was the worst job he’s ever had. That you’ve gone off the rails.”
“He’s an idiot.”
“That’s exactly he said about you.”
“Well, who you gonna believe?”
“Seriously? As of August, FactChecker found 4,229 false comments. Over your first 558 days, that averages 7.6 episodes of spreading bullshit per day. They seem to be increasing at an alarming rate.”
“More than any other president!”
“Again, not something to brag out.”
“There’s nothing I won’t brag about.”
“And you wonder why there’s fear and loathing in Washington.”
“No, I don’t. With the fake news media telling lies about me, people are angry. At least my core group of deplorables. Now, that’s loyalty. No matter what I say, and I say some weird shit, those maniacs cheer. Well, that’s what they’re paid for. And if they don’t, I have ’em removed from my rallies.”
“Yeah, I saw that.”
“They’re saying I’m doing a great job, but they wanna impeach me.”
“The people who want to impeach you are not saying you did a great job.”
“How can they ignore my incredible success in terms of job growth? It’s the best in the history of the universe.”
“Actually, it’s slower than it was during the last five years of Obama’s term.”
“I blame that on the media, always checking facts. As if facts are important.”
“Donald, you have no credibility. Your own lawyers won’t let you talk to Mueller because you can’t help but lie.”
“Rudy’s a baby. I’ve never seen a worse defense of me in my life. I told him, ‘They took your diaper off right there. You’re like a little baby that needed to be changed. When are you going to be a man?’ ”
“And you wonder why people you fire don’t remain loyal. Actually, I was talking about your other lawyer. Well, ex-lawyer now.”
“You mean Dowd?”
“He told you, ‘Don’t testify, it’s either that or an orange jumpsuit.’ He also said, and I quote, “. . .he’s a fucking liar.”
“Orange would go good with my skin and hair. And I do like fucking, that’s for sure.”
“Orange jumpsuits are what prisoners wear.”
“Oh. How can they lock me up when I’ve nothing wrong?”
“Nothing wrong?”
“All right, maybe my morals aren’t the greatest, but those Russian hookers? Mikey, you should’ve seen them.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about. What about obstruction of justice? Conspired with a foreign power to influence the election. What about. . .”
“I don’t mean petty stuff like treason, I mean like shooting up a school, something, you know, serious.”
“Please don’t shoot up a school.”
“I bet I could get away with it. In fact, some of my supporters would applaud me. Not everyone values education like you liberals.”
“You mean Betsy DeVoss?”
“None of this mess would be happening if it wasn’t for Little Jeff. He’s mentally retarded, a dumb Southerner. He couldn’t even be a one-person country lawyer down in Alabama.”
“And yet, you made him Attorney General.”
“Well, he supported me in the election. Same as Dipsy DeVoss and all the other cronies I’ve hired.”
“Not much of a qualification for such a high position in the government.”
“Who needs qualifications to run a country? It’s not like I have any. When I need advice, Vladi gives it to me.”
“Maybe that’s why the majority of Americans are upset.”
“He’s saying I need a diversion, that I should start a war.”
“Another war?”
“Doesn’t have to be worldwide. Just something attention-grabbing.”
“You’ve already declared war on Muslims, our strategic allies in Europe, our closest neighbors. . .”
“Who?”
“Canada and Mexico.”
“Can you blame me? No one likes Mexicans. Especially their children. You have to watch those kids. A lot of people don’t know this, but they grow up to be adults.”
“See? That’s why we need better education. You’ve also warring with Africa.”
“Just the shithole countries.”
“Then there’s the Trade War with China, another against family values. Let’s not forget Syria, Afghanistan, Iran, Obamacare, Hillary, the air we breathe, the water we drink, our children’s future, the ice caps, free press, the NFL. . .”
“Hold on a second, Mikey. Not the whole NFL, just the blacks.”
“It’s like you’re in a battle with, well, everyone.”
“Not Sean Hannity. And you gotta give me credit for buddying up with Russia and North Korea.”
“No, I don’t.”
“All right, what about Space Force? That’s a great distraction.”
“Spend a trillion dollars on an absurd fantasy? So you can distract people from what’s going on at home? How about using that trillion dollars to restore clean water to Flint, Michigan? How about cleaning up the oceans? Stopping pollution? Educating our youth?”
“Jesus Christ, I’m sorry I asked. What’s gotten into you? Is it the Democrats and their evil agenda?”
“Donald, I gotta go before my head explodes.”
“Sounds like need some of your Maui Wowee. That’ll cheer you up.”
“You know, that’s the most truthful thing you’ve said in a long time.”
“When’s your new book coming out?”
“Maui Wowee is coming out next Friday. You gonna read it?”
“Always with the jokes.”
I paraphrased a few things, due to short-term memory issues, but I hope you enjoyed the post. If you like wacky adventures, exotic locations, and snappy dialogue, and laughing out loud, you gotta read my books.
Start with this Free Short Story, Revenge In Baja, and see what you’re in for.
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