“Good morning, Mikey, guess who? Wait, before you guess, here’s a hint. I’m like super intelligible.”
“You mean intelligent?”
“Not just intelligent, but, I don’t wanna brag. . .okay, I will. I might just be, no I am, the smartest man to ever live. Which is really saying something when you add it to my being the handsomest man in the universe.”
“That would be saying something. If it was true.”
“Truth is not the truth, so I don’t worry about it.”
“Like you don’t worry about climate change and the future of our planet.”
“Our planet will be fine, you know, in the long run. You’ll see; an ice age might come along at any time.”
“Meanwhile we’re undergoing a man-made mass extinction.”
“So?”
“All that’ll be left are cows, cockroaches, and a few freaked out mutants living in caves.”
“Look, Mikey, I saw the climate report. It’s fine.”
“Fine? The report said crop production will decline. Food and waterborne illness will spread. More of us will die?”
“See? I’ve solved the population crisis! Another win for Trump. I gotta tell ya, I’ve got this gut. . .”
“Man, do you ever. That and those prodigious man boobs.”
“Thanks. My gut tells more sometimes than anybody else’s brain can ever tell me.”
“You must think the American public has the cumulative brainpower of a turnip.”
“What else explains them gobbling down the bullshit I feed them?”
“Hmm. . .you make a good point.”
“With Betsy DeVoss doing my bidding, we’re dumbing America down even more.”
“All part of Vladi’s plan?”
“Heh heh. . .don’t tell anyone.”
“America’s education system may be going downhill, but people can’t ignore what’s happening to the environment. Not when they’re losing their homes and sometimes their families.”
“You mean the record-setting wildfires in California? And the worsening hurricane situation?”
“Along with pollution. . .”
“Lemme stop you right there, Mikey. You believe all that fake news.”
“Not the stuff you put out.”
“The problem with a lot of people like myself, we have very high level of intelligence but we’re not necessarily such believers. You look at our air and our water and it’s right now at a record clean.”
“Tell that to the people in Flint, Michigan.”
“All right, except where it’s worse than ever from my coal policies, it’s better. As to whether or not it’s man-made and whether or not the effects that you’re talking about are there, I don’t see it — not nearly like it is.””
“Let me ask you something you something, Donald. If you so intelligent, how come you can’t make a coherent statement?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You heard what Sarah said; the National Climate Assessment was not based on facts.”
“That report was compiled by 13 federal agencies and more than 300 researchers. All of them experts in their field.”
“Maybe so, but they don’t have my gut. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke agrees with me; says those reports are based on worse-case scenarios.”
“Which is exactly what we’ll end up with if you don’t change your climate policies.”
“Not in my lifetime.”
“So it’s just about the short-term? Get rich as you can and screw everyone else?”
“Obviously.”
“What ever happened to the president being the moral leader of our nation?”
“Huh?”
“Donald, you’re in so many scandals you make Scott Pruitt seem honorable.”
“And they said it couldn’t be done! Another victory for Trump.”
“Do you even know what morals are?”
“Isn’t that like when a coach gives the team a pep talk at halftime?”
“No, that’s for morale.”
“Pfft. . .you see how having morals worked out for Obama? The hate mail that guy out? People questioning his birth?”
“You mean you?”
“Heh heh heh. I’ll tell ya something, Mikey, when I can invest morals in a Moscow hotel project, I’ll show a little more interest. Fair enough?”
From there our talk devolved, if you can believe it. I put the phone down while the president was ranting about locking Hillary up; something to do with a child slavery ring run from a pizza parlor.
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