The Trump Putin Summit
With the Trump Putin Summit in the immediate future, and Donald alienating our allies, I figured I better call the President, mitigate some damage. After the way he “out-negotiated” Kim Jong Un, I fear for America’s future. Well, I already do, but you know what I mean. You put Vladimir and the Donald alone together in a hotel room? With no witnesses except expendable interpreters, anything could happen at the Trump Putin summit. I’ll paraphrase the parts I recall for you.
Vladimir Putin caught whispering, “If you want another four years, here’s what you’ll do.”
“Hi, Mikey, I knew you’d call with some tips for the Trump Putin summit. You can’t resist butting in, can you?”
“I don’t like to sully myself with politics, but like most of the free world, I’m concerned about you and Vladimir alone in a hotel room.”
“What could go wrong? Oh, heh heh, you mean the pee tapes he’s blackmailing me with?”
“That’s one example. God knows what he’s got planned for our country. You need to stay strong. Don’t fall for that dreamy smile and his romantic promises.”
“Don’t sweat it. Am I not the greatest negotiator in the Universe? Not to mention, one hell of a golfer. I just set a course record for Turnberry. I gotta tell ya, this is some course I built!”
“That’s quite a feat for an unborn.”
“All I know is my name comes ahead of Turnberry, and that’s good enough for me. Too bad you couldn’t make the trip, see how the people here love me. Everywhere I go? Huge crowds, yelling and screaming my name!”
“Love you?”
“Haven’t you seen them waving signs and yelling support?”
“They’re waving signs, all right, but those are protesters. They’re pissed off at what said about Theresa May. Not to mention, how you dissed the Queen.”
“How did I diss the Queen?”
“You showed up late for tea, made a 92 year-old woman wait in the hot sun while you practiced putting.”
‘”So?”
“Some consider that uncool. Then you walked in front of her, blocked her way.”
“I’m a leader, that’s what leaders do. And besides, who cares? The Queen is an old frump.”
“They’re also mad about your criticizing Theresa May, how she wrecked Brexit.”
“Hey, I apologized, sort of, for saying such good things about her.”
“So, you’re saying, you’re sorry you said good things about her, even though you didn’t?”
“Why is that hard to understand? As for the people in the U.K? Screw ’em. None of them vote for me, anyway. Hey, Mikey, how’d you like the way I tore into NATO the other day? Told them they better start living up to their obligations or I might team up with some new partners. I think they knew who I meant.”
“You did?”
“Hell, yeah. I told them, ‘I pulled out of the Paris Climate agreement, I pulled out of NAFTA, and if I want, I’ll pull out of NATO.’ You should’ve their faces!”
“I did see their faces. No wonder they weren’t happy. You don’t think it’s crazy how you praise heinous dictators and alienate our allies?”
“What do you mean, alienate? I insult the hell out of them, and they never insult me back. . .which can only mean they love me.”
“Donald, they’re just being civil.”
“You mean showing weakness?”
“No, man, it’s called diplomacy, showing class, as befitting a world leader.”
“You know me, Mikey, Trump America comes first.”
“You’ve renamed our country?”
“One of the job perks. Gives the U.S. some much-needed class.”
“I know you like to be first. I guess that’s why you walked in front the Queen of England.”
“Hey, I’m a leader, that’s what leaders do. Beauty before age, right?”
“I think it goes the other way.”
“Not the point. They should’ve elected me, I’d have shown Theresa May how to do Brexit the right way.”
“Right. Let’s get back to our NATO partners.”
“What about those slackers?”
“The thing is, they are living up to their obligations. That was fake news that they weren’t.”
“See that? Everywhere I go, fake news follows. Weird, isn’t it?”
“Not really, you’re the one who puts it out there.”
“Maybe so, but I blame Obama for the fake news. Also, for this whole collusion witch hunt. Why didn’t he stop me? You see the Deep State in action here, don’t you? No doubt crooked Hillary is behind it.”
“No, I don’t. As for a witch hunt, Mueller just indicted 12 GRU hackers. Apparently, there were links to your campaign team.”
“Vladimir promised they’d never testify against Donald, Jr. Or be seen again, so I’m not too worried about us getting caught.
Advising the President.
I took a deep breath, and said, “Let’s focus on the Trump Putin summit, Donald.”
“Oh, I am, and as always, I want your advice. What do you think I should wear for my big date? I’m thinking a really long tie, and pants that hang all the way to the ground. That way people have to guess if I’m wearing shoes.”
“Why ask? That’s what you always wear.”
“Vladi suggested I show up in something informal, like a dressing gown or a toga.”
“No, don’t wear a toga.”
“So, go with the dressing gown?”
“No, not that, either. Donald, this isn’t the kind of advice I want to give.”
“You don’t want me to look my best?”
“Yeah, sure, but I don’t want you to do everything Putin suggests.”
“Why not?”
“Because he’s got a different agenda for America, and it doesn’t include democracy.”
“When I look into those eyes, and hear the words, “Do you want another four years?” I’m sorry, Mikey, but I can’t resist. Plus, he’s got the pee tapes.”
“I realize that. So does Vladimir. Why do you think he asked to meet you all alone. Just you, him, the hookers, and the disposable interpreters?”
“Well, that’s private.”
“I meant besides the intimate stuff.”
“Vladi said we’d discuss building Trump hotels all across his ever-expanding real estate empire.”
“I see. And I suppose he’d want a few favors in return?”
“Just the right to locate missile bases on U.S. turf. That and to run as Vice President in 2020. Nothing unreasonable.”
“Putin as Vice President? One heartbeat away from your job?”
“He can’t be worse than Mike Pence, can he?”
“That’d be a stretch, but it’s still a terrible idea.”
“I don’t see why.”
“That’s why I need to be in that room as a moderator.”
“Sorry, Mikey, three’s a crowd if you know what I mean.”
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