Trump on 60 Minutes
Welcome back for more of the fakest news in the business. After watching Trump on 60 Minutes, I had to give him a call. Chief of Staff John Kelly won’t let me record our talks anymore, so I’ll have to paraphrase from memory.
After greetings, I said, “The world’s a mess. How come you’re so happy?
“You saw my triumphant victory on 60 Minutes?”
“I saw your interview, if that’s what you mean.”
“They love having Trump on 60 Minutes. Thanks to my popularity, their ratings go way up. They need need a cranky old man with Andy Rooney gone. What’d you think of my interview?”
“It was painful to watch.”
“You felt sorry for Lesley Stahl’s ass? The way I kicked it?”
“If by kicked ass you mean quoted bad science, insulted women, dodged questions, and interrupted continually.”
“What do you mean bad science? I have a natural instinct for science. My uncle was a professor at MIT. Besides, I’m president and you’re not. Which means I very, very big ego.”
“That’s not how it works. How can you deny manmade climate change?”
“My friends in the coal and oil industries have given me billions of reasons.”
“Right. I mean, besides dirty money.”
“Because the science is still out. Who knows? It could go the other way any day now.”
“If by any day, you mean millions of years after we and everything but rats and cockroaches are extinct.”
“See? I told you I knew science. Trump shoots, Trump scores! Next question.”
“What about your love affair with Kim Jong Un?”
“How could I resist a tyrant? He writes the nicest letters.”
“Yeah, for a ruthless maniac.”
“Wait a second, are you jealous?”
“Let’s move on. What about Dr. Christine Blasey Ford? You taunted the poor lady. Don’t you have any respect for women?”
“Again, what’s the big deal? It’s not like I tried to rape her. What am I? Judge Kavanaugh?”
“Right, you prefer horsefaced porn stars and Russian hookers.”
“What can I say? I’m a man of wealth and taste.”
“Lucifer?”
“Heh heh. . .”
Well, that explained a lot.
Rogue Killers
“Donald, I’m following the Jamal Khashoogi murder investigation and I saw your rogue killers comment. . .”
“I appreciate the support.”
“Support? I’m calling with a reality check. You’re giving the impression this kind of shit is okay as long the Saudis buy luxury apartments from you.”
“Don’t forget the hundred billion in arms. And is it the Saudi’s fault if rogue killers are inside their consulate?”
“Yes, it is. Especially when the rogue killers are a hit squad the Crown Prince sent to Turkey at 3 in the morning on private jets with a bone saw.”
“They say they were on holiday. And what were they supposed to do when a subversive middle-aged journalist picked a fight with them? You know how feisty journalists get.”
“An out of shape reporter takes on a 15-man hit squad and a bone saw?”
“Shows how deranged journalists are.”
“Come on, Donald, even you can’t be that ingenuous.”
“I’m a very stable ingenuous. Why shouldn’t I believe the Saudis spin on things? Even though it keeps changing?”
“Among a few dozen other reasons, because they left the same day with Khashoggi’s dismembered body in a suitcase.”
“They said the Crown Prince, who will make a great real estate partner by the way, called them back to the office. You know how it is.”
“See? That’s the thing. As long as money is involved, you’ll overlook the most blatant of lies.”
“Only if they’re uttered by brutal dictators. The ones by the fake news, where they take polls that say I’m a blatant liar, a sociopath, and the least popular president ever? Those I don’t overlook.”
“That’s true.”
“The Crown Prince, who loves staying at my hotels and wants a chain of them in his country, says he’ll get to the bottom of this. Why would he lie?”
“Same reason Putin lied about interfering with the elections. At least until he admitted it.”
“Even then I denied it.”
“Despite Vladi and everyone in the Intelligence Community telling you otherwise.”
“What’s your point?”
“Well, don’t you think that’s crazy?”
“Sure, it’s crazy, but I won and that’s all that counts.”
“What about human rights?”
“America first!”
“By America first, you mean Trump first, don’t you?”
“Why is everyone ignoring the real evidence?”
“What real evidence?”
“That Obama, Hillary, and the Deep State killed Khashoggi.”
“What?”
“What’s the big deal, anyway? The guy was a dissident fake news journalist. An enemy of the people. You remember what that Montana congressman did to that reporter? Body slammed the son of a bitch for asking a question. My kind of guy. You gotta hand it to the Saudis, though. Those sons of bitches really know how to deal with fake news journalists who tell the truth. So do my pals Vladi and Jongy. I wish I could get away with that here.”
“Maybe Judge Kavanaugh can work something out for you.”
Donald didn’t get sarcasm, and said, “Great idea!”
Well, our conversation devolved, if you can believe it, from there. Stay tuned for more fake news, ’cause there’ll be more wacky stuff to come. Unfortunately. . .
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