Trump Ends Family Separation
“See the headlines, Mikey? President Trumps Ends Family Separation. That’ll teach those Democrats not to make me lock children up.”
I’m paraphrasing, as usual, ’cause Donny’s lawyers get pissed off when the truth comes out. Even threaten to sue. Still, I’ll try to recall the gist of it.
“Well, I’m glad to hear it. I never know if you’ll take my advice or not.”
“My policy makers never agree with you, but when I saw those videos of crying babies, I thought: This doesn’t make me look good.”
“Come on, Donald, admit it, they touched your heart, didn’t they?”
“They sure did. When I saw my poll numbers plummeting, I damn near had an attack. In a rare moment of clarity, I realized Trump Ends Family Separation plays better than Trump Worse Than Nixon.”
“You zipped right past George W. Bush, didn’t you?”
“Not to brag, but I’m the fastest president in the universe. The most presidential, too. Except maybe Lincoln, but he cheated.”
“Cheated? By freeing the slaves?”
“No, by getting assassinated. I’m much better looking, so I’d win if someone killed me.”
“I’m sure that could be arranged. In fact, I know a guy…”
“Good one.”
“Well, give it some thought. Meanwhile, congratulations on changing your mind. In a good way, for once. How about taking some of the other advice I’ve been giving you and get rid of Stephen Miller. That is not the Gangster of Love I remember. He makes Ted Nugent seem humane. And what about this Corey Lewandowski guy? He “whomp whomped” a Down’s Syndrome kid separated from her parents. Jesus Christ, talk about heartless. And what the hell is whomp whomp, anyway? Then you have Kirstjen Nielsen, the shameless face of Homeland Security echoing that racist maniac Jeff Sessions before dining in a Mexican restaurant. Talk about balls. Can you imagine the “secret sauce” the cook put in her meal?”
“They make rabid skunks seem nice, but they’re loyal as…”
“Rabid pitbulls?”
“Heh heh. Like I told you, any time you want to join my cabinet…”
“No way, Donald, you know I’m not political. Now on a personal level, we both hate Jeff Sessions. At least do something about that guy.”
“You mean call that guy you know?”
Federal Legalization of Marijuana
“No, man, I’m a pacifist. There are other ways to deal with him.”
“I do owe you another favor, don’t I?”
“You mean for bringing Melania back from Outer Space with Jeff Bezos?”
“Among other things that I’d like to keep quiet. Would it help if I bought a hundred thousand copies of Maui Wowee when you release it?”
“Yeah, it would help. I’d be Amazon’s #1 Bestseller…until Jeff Bezos found out it was you. But you don’t have to bribe me to keep quiet, I’m no snitch. Just do the right thing. For instance, an executive order calling for federal legalization of marijuana.”
“That would piss off Little Jeff.”
“It’s also the right thing to do.”
“I’ll give it some thought. We can talk about it at Mar al Lago next time we play.”
I’m glad to have helped resolve that crisis, and I’ll keep plugging away on behalf of America’s personal liberties. If you’d like to see where my philanthropic ways began, please grab a free copy of Breaking Good, the hilarious first novel in the Senor Bueno Travel Adventure Series, and watch me try to make the world a better place.
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