This week with President Trump
I wanted to see what was up this week with President Trump, so I gave him a call. For fans of the fakest news in the business, enjoy the interview. I’ll have to paraphrase our talk as the NSA is wise to me and blocks recordings. Still, you’ll get the gist of it.
“How’s the weather in Paris, Donald?”
“Sucks, just like our allies in NATO.”
“Come on, man, try to get along, this is your chance to show some class, honor our fallen soldiers from World War I.”
“Hey, I’m all about class, but I’m gonna pass on the memorial service.”
“How come?”
“It’s raining outside, not good for my hair.”
“You’re skipping the 100 year memorial for World War 1 because your wig might get wet?”
“What’s the big deal? All those soldiers have been dead for a hundred years. I like my soldiers alive and able to vote for me. Instead of giving me a hard time you should be praising me for getting rid of your nemesis.”
He meant that evil munchkin, the pot-hating Jeff Sessions.
“I’d like it better if you didn’t circumvent the legal process and put Matt Whitaker in charge.”
“Always with the complaints. What’s wrong with Whitaker?”
“Let’s see, for one thing, he’s a con man under investigation by the FBI.”
“Just like me. My kind of guy.”
“Right. And you put him in charge of the FBI.”
“So?”
“So, he’s biased.”
“Why do you think I picked him. Haven’t you seen him calling the Mueller investigation in my obvious collusion a witch hunt?”
“Many times.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
“People will see that as collusion right there. It’s one thing to stick your cronies in the Cabinet and Supreme Court, but this guy will run the justice system. You need someone with integrity, not one of your slobbering minions.”
“Matt’s not a minion. . . yet. In fact, I don’t know Matt Whitaker.”
“Donald, you’ve met with him more than a dozen times. You’ve been quoted as saying, Matt Whitaker’s a great guy. Imean, I know Matt Whitaker.”
“Who you gonna believe? Me or me?”
“Hmm. . .neither one?”
“There you go. Anything else bothering you?”
“Yeah. How can you threaten to pull federal aid from Califonia during the worst firestorm its ever seen?”
“Easy, they’ve got Democrats in office there. And those Democrats would rather release water into the ocean than put out fires. I say let ’em burn. That’ll teach ’em. What’s next?”
“We don’t have enough time for everything, but I wanna point out some hypocrisy before I go.”
“Thought you didn’t have much time.”
“Heh heh, good one, Donald. I’m wondering what happened to the invasion on our southern border.”
“What invasion?”
“That’s what I thought. Your pals at Fox, who ranted dozens of times each segment about the invasion and need for 15,000 soldiers guarding us against women and children and men desperate for work, only mentioned the caravan one time on the day after the midterms.”
“That’s because they no longer threatened Republican votes.”
“See? You should be this honest in your real interviews.”
“If I was, I’d be back to hustling steaks, lousy busy deals, and my phony university.”
“If only. . .”
“Sorry, Mikey, gotta go. Vladi’s on the other line.”
“You guys gonna talk strategy? How to divide the States?”
“Who leaked that?”
“Just an educated guess.”
“A good one, too. Don’t tell anybody.”
“Right.”
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