The back side of Haleakala.
In this excerpt from Maui Wowee, we take a quick trip to the back side of Haleakala, the site of the most recent eruption and a place the rent a car companies want you to avoid at all costs.
The back side of Haleakala, rocky, remote, and desolate, aside from offering stark but amazing scenery unspoiled by tourists (the gnarly “road” treated rental car tires like Hawaiians did snacks), was not appealing for development or farming or, well, anything else. Which is why the State’s bureaucrats finally agreed to give protesting Hawaiians (known to bureaucrats as: “those incessant whiners”) an unusable chunk of their island back. So, pretty much the same way bureaucrats treated Native Americans. I imagined how the historic handover went.
“Here you go, brah,” said Senator Gread. “The least desirable land on Maui. Are you happy now?”
“No,” said the head of the Hawaiian Sovereignity movement.
“Is there no pleasing you pushy Hawaiians? I thought you wanted a place to rebuild your kingdom.”
“Yeah, but here? Are you kidding, brah? Please say yes.”
The sensitive authorities bristled with compassion. “What’s your problem, Chief?”
“For one thing, I’m not an Indian.”
“Thank Christ. Otherwise, we’d have to let you build a casino out here. Then you’d be demanding road improvements, electricity, water, a decent lifestyle. . .”
“That’s not a bad idea.”
“Forget it, Kahuna. Meanwhile, pretend this worthless property is sacred or something. Show a little gratitude, a little class.”
“But dis place get no soil, no rain, no beaches, no nuttin’, brah.”
“So what? Check out these forsaken views. They’re all yours. A dream come true.”
“Yeah, right. Wait a minute, wat’s da catch, brah?”
The Hawaiians knew not to trust the government. Even with a shitty deal.
“No catch, besides the exhorbitant taxes and permit fees we’re levying. Think of it as a symbol of our good will.”
Everyone got a good laugh at of that one.
The generous bureaucrat demanded, “Now quit your protesting and enjoy your barren rocks. And don’t come looking for any more handouts.
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