President Trump is angry.
I keep reading how President Trump is angry after the midterms. Well, so are a lot of other people, me included, which is why I’m posting this week’s phony interview with the Donald. For fans of irreverent political humor and the fakest news in the business, keep reading.
“I gotta tell ya, Mikey, I’m not in a good mood. I’m pretty much pissed off at everyone.”
“Even Melania?”
“Even her. She went over my head and fired Mira Ricardel. Made me look like a pussy.”
“I think Putin already did that.”
“He such a strong will.”
“Right. Lemme ask you something, Donald. When you felt like a pussy, did you grab yourself?”
“Heh heh, you know me so well.”‘
“If you’re so angry, how come you declared the midterms a great victory?”
“It was a great victory. . .for the Democrats. Which is why I gotta shake up my administration.”
“You figure it was their fault people across America rejected your stooges?”
“Well, I gotta blame someone, and it ain’t gonna be me.”
“Right. Let’s see, you replaced Sessions with your pet minion Whitaker, a guy with a reputation almost as bogus as yours. Who’s next to go?”
“I’m thinking Kirstjen Nielson.”
“How come? Not racist enough?”
“Not even close. You see how she let some of those beaner kids escape their cages? Next thing you know, they’ll be raping Republicans. Sad. We can’t be having that.”
“What about your Chief of Staff?”
“Kelly? Him I’m not sure about. I might keep him around like I did Sessions, just to watch him squirm while I ignore every bit of advice he gives me. Then that old prune Wilbur Ross has gotta go.”
“Not fascist enough?”
“He’s getting too old, losing some of the old mustard.”
“So you’ll be bringing in more swamp creatures?”
“My team is dredging the bottom right now. Speaking of swamps, I’d like to bury Jim Acosta in one.”
“I see CNN won their lawsuit and Jim got his press pass back.”
“Another victory for Team Trump.”
“Huh?”
“You know me, I’m a champion for the free press. They should have total freedom.”
“Really?”
“Sure, as long as they ask the questions I approve and sit down and shut up when I tell them too.”
“I’m not sure that’s how freedom works.”
“It works just fine for Vladi and Jongy, why can’t it work for me?”
“Because they’re dictators and this is a free society. Supposedly. . .”
“We’ll see about fixing that. You see how the fake media is twisting things around about my terrific idea for solving the Saudi mess?”
“You mean your idea about expelling a U.S. resident. . .”
“Don’t forget, he’s a Turkish dissident.”
“A Turkish dissident with political asylum. If he goes back, President Erdogan might murder him.”
“There’s no might about it. Erdogan is a vicious brute. He’s taken away the rule of law. In a way, I gotta admire him.”
“Donald, you can’t resolve one brutal murder by a head of state with another.”
“I don’t see why not. They were both outspoken critics, so what’s the big deal?”
“Two murders are better than one?”
“There you go. It’s like geometry. They cancel each other out.”
“I gotta tell you, Donald, I’ve seen pond scum with moral social conscience than you.”
“Fine, then let the pond scum deal with the Saudis. Me? I do a lot of real estate business with them and I’m not gonna piss ’em off.”
“Speaking of critics, I can’t wait till Whitaker fires Mueller. Not that I’m obstructing justice or anything.”
“I read that you answered his written questions.”
“I did a real could job lying on those answers, too, didn’t get any help from my lawyers this time.”
“Really? Rudy didn’t get involved?”
“Are you kidding? Every time that idiot makes a statement he leaks something truthful. But this Mueller guy? You see how he’s gone crazy since the midterms?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, there’s screaming, shouting at people, horribly threatening them. . .a disgrace to our nation. . .don’t care how many lives ruined. . .”
“Wait a second, Donald, I thought that was you.”
“Heh heh, busted. It’s hard to pull one over on you.”
“Too bad the Republicans are so gullible.”
“My sheeple love me no matter what I do.”
“Sheeple?”
“It’s fitting, isn’t it? Don’t them tell I said that.”
“Right.”
“Another thing I’m angry about? During my triumphant tour of France last week it rained. How dare it? Why doesn’t Europe show any respect?”
“They often wonder the same thing about you.”
“Hey, they want me to play nice? They want me to show up at World War I memorials for our veterans who laid down their lives for freedom when they know the rain will mess up my hair? Then they should’ve thrown me a huge military parade? Everyone knows I love a parade. Well, that and a good ass-kissing.”
The fires in California
“That’s true. I see you went to California, viewed the disaster from the fires. Also, that you still deny we’ve got a problem with global warming.”
“The science is still out. A tiny percentage of scientists say there’s room for doubt.”
“They’re all employed by the oil industry. Them and the Saudis.”
“Well, until they change their minds, I’ll turn a blind eye to the environment. After all, what’s it done for us? Look at it burning up California, right? Man’s not doing that, nature is. You wanna blame someone for heating up the place? Blame Mother Nature. The sooner we kill her, the better off we’ll be.”
“What?”
“Think of the savings, all the money spent on putting these fires out.”
“It’s like you just don’t care about the climate.”
“Hey, I want a great climate. And we’re gonna have that.”
“We are?”
“Sure, once those lazy Democrats in California start cleaning the forest floor.”
“What?”
“You know, raking it or whatever gardeners do. Even better, we should just get rid of all trees. They’re the ones responsible for bad quality. . .”
Looks like I caught President Trump off his meds again. Tiring of his rant, I put the phone down. I doubt if he noticed. . .
For fans of irreverent humor, satire, zany adventures, quirky characters, and exotic locations, grab Breaking Good, the first book in the Senor Bueno Travel Adventure series and start laughing.
For a peek inside at story scenes and gorgeous images, check out my Books page.