Obstruction of Justice
Obstruction of justice? That sounds serious, even worse than collusion. Which is what I told the Donald during our round of golf yesterday. I’ll try to recall our conversation, but when I’m around the President, I have to smoke a lot of pot because, well, you know why. . .so don’t quote me on my quotes.
“Collusion is bad enough, Donny, but obstruction of justice? That could be big trouble for you and Jr.”
Ignoring the obstruction of justice comment, the President went into a rant. “Collusion? What collusion? There was no collusion. That’s a rigged Witch Hunt. See how I said that with capital letters so you’d know it’s true?”
“Very convincing, if I ignore Michael Cohen revealing you approved the meeting at Trump Tower to get dirt on Hillary. Almost as convincing as the six birdies on the front nine.”
“Heh heh, another new course record for your President! And besides, if there was some collusion, and I’m not saying there was. . .all right, maybe that one time with Don, Jr. and that Russian babe, and some with Paul Manafort, and some other stuff with. . . well, that’s not the point.”
“Really? Then what is?”
“Collusion’s not illegal. Just ask Rudy.”
“Yeah, Rudy Giuliani, AKA: Nosferatu, is real credible. Jesus Christ, Donald, what’s going on with his teeth? Don’t you pay him enough to get them cleaned?”
“That’s his signature style, like Geraldo with the capped teeth and giant mustache.”
“He might wanna change his style a little. Also, get a new job. I saw him wiping the flop sweat off his face trying to cover for you. He’s obviously cracking from the stress. I don’t know how much longer he can hang in there.”
“Ha! I go through lawyers almost as fast as Big Macs.”
“There may not be a federal statute regarding collusion, Donny, but that doesn’t make it right.”
“It doesn’t?”
“Same with conspiring with a foreign government to meddle in our election.”
“Seriously? You’d think my lawyers would say something.”
“Yes, I would, not that you’d listen. Then there’s interfering with Mueller’s probe into Russia hacking our election. That’s obstruction of justice.”
“You heard Rudy saying if I obstruct justice in public with my Tweet to Jeff Sessions that’s okay.”
“So, it’s only bad if you obstruct justice in the dark?”
“Hey, I’m not the legal expert here, I’m just saying, I’m above the law. Which is why I’m giving myself this ten-foot putt. Hey, you see me wow them in Philadelphia? I got the Qanon crowd in my pocket, baby!”
“I saw you tell them they needed I.D. to buy food. I bet that was a surprise to them.”
“How was I know you could use wire transfers.”
“I guess Paul Manafort could have told you. That’s how he shopped.”
“It doesn’t matter what I say, the people in my crowds aren’t deep thinkers. Except when it comes to those lunatic theories I promote. What’d you think of Pizzagate? Pretty wacky, huh?
“No kidding. So your strategy for re-election is to cater to the lunatic fringe? Rile ’em up so they attack the media?”
“It’s worked so far. Everyone with any common sense, from the Intelligence Community on down thinks Russia is America’s enemy, but my crowds know it’s the fake news media.”
“You mean Fox?”
“Not funny, Mikey, you leave them out of this.”
“Am I your enemy, Donald,” I asked a few minutes later as I was about to chip one onto the green. “Because if I start shanking everything, we’ll lose this match.”
Donald put up his tiny hands, said, “Of course not, Mikey, I’ve got no beef with you. After all, no one believes a thing you say.”
I sighed. “I hate to admit it, but we have something in common, after all.”
If you like political satire and laughing out loud, you should read my books, starting with Breaking Good. If you haven’t already grabbed a Free Copy, here’s your chance. You know what to do.