For those who love their news fake, here’s my latest conversation with President Trump. It involves Judge Kavanaugh’s confirmation. As usual, the Secret Service confiscated my recording device, so I’ll have to paraphrase.
Judge Kavanaugh’s Confirmation
With Judge Kavanaugh’s confirmation such a controversial issue, President Trump turned to his unlikely adviser and asked, “Think this putt will break to the right as it dies?”
“What putt? You’re on the side of a hill?”
“Not after I throw my ball on the green.”
“What’s the difference? You always fudge your scorecard.”
“What do you care? Like I tell the Republicans in Congress, we’re on the same team.”
“Yeah, but it’s dishonest.”
“Coming from you, that’s funny.”
“Nothing dishonest about growing terrific pot.”
“I can’t argue with that. Dishonest or not, as long as I win, I don’t see a problem with cheating.”
“That’s a problem right there.”
“Whaddaya mean?”
“It’s one thing to lie to the public, but when you cheat you’re lying to yourself.”
“Not to you?”
“No, man, it’s obvious to me and everyone else. We can see and hear you, check facts. . .”
“You can’t believe what you’re seeing and hearing.”
“Tell me about it. I pinch myself all the time. And yet, what I see and hear are really going on. Judge Kavanaugh’s confirmation is a perfect example.”
“Judge Kavanaugh’s confirmation should’ve been a no-brainer.”
“Your specialty.”
“Thanks. But with this woman sniveling about a little horseplay a hundred years ago? If every girl I forced myself on complained to the press. . .”
“They did complain to the press. More than a dozen. And I’m not even talking about porn stars and Russian hookers.”
“You know how chicks are. You love ’em and leave ’em, they hold a grudge. That’s probably what happened with Judge Kavanaugh. And really, Mikey, with some of these chicks? They like it when a man takes charge.”
“Dr. Ford didn’t.”
“Where are the police reports? Why didn’t she go to the FBI 36 years ago?”
“She was probably just a scared kid living in a male-dominated society where things like sexual assault were swept under the rug. Look at Anita Hill.”
“Who?”
“The lady Judge Thomas sexually harassed prior to his Supreme Court confirmation. Ol’ Chuck Grassley didn’t think it mattered then, and he doesn’t think it matters now. Here’s a guy 85 years old, and he’s supposed to have a modern enough outlook to frown on sexual assault. Says he’s happy no one’s asking him what kind of mischief he got up to 35 years ago.”
“It’s better that way. People don’t know this, but we’re trying to rush Judge Kavanaugh’s confirmation before the mid-terms. Which means we can’t be bothered with ethics.”
“That’s quite a scoop. Can I spill the beans to my readers?”
“Only the Republicans.”
“I’ll let Russ know. Let me ask you something, Donald. You’re as amoral a person as I’ve ever met.”
“Thanks, Mikey.”
“Right. So why do you want to overturn Roe v. Wade?”
“It’s nothing personal. If not for abortions, I’d have a dozen more kids to support. Imagine if they all came out like Eric or Don, Jr.? Jesus. . .”
“So, what’s the deal?”
“I gotta appeal to my base. Religious fanatics and conspiracy nuts really turn out at the polls.”
“That’s true, but shouldn’t a woman be able to choose what goes on with her own body?”
“You know me. I’m all for woman’s rights, but deciding what they do is a man’s job.”
“I don’t know how you do it. Say the most outrageous stuff, things with no basis in reality, and your followers still buy it.”
“Like P.T. Barnum said, there’s an idiot born every minute.”
“I think he said sucker.”
“Either way, I’ve proved America is full of them.”
Sorry, Dr. Ford, I tried. Good luck with saving us from Judge Kavanaugh’s confirmation.
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