How To Grow Pot, An Excerpt From Turning On
My new book Turning On, the prequel to the Señor Bueno Adventure Series, will launch Friday, February 15th. . .for free! I know, a great deal at a 1,000 times the price. Check out the excerpt below and see what’s in store for you.
It got old smoking pot that looked and tasted like moldy garbage and I thought: No way I could do a worse job than this.
Or could I? My gardening experiences, except for picking berries at my grandpa’s house, had involved mowing the lawn and yanking dandelions. So I wasn’t exactly a master gardener or filled with confidence. Which is why I went to my local head shop and scored a little yellow paperback called How To Grow Marijuana. I wanted to see how the experts did it; avoid screwing up. I congratulated myself for the smart move. The congratulations were premature. For that, I blame the author of my book. I think his name was Jim, but by the end of the book, I knew Jim was a pen name and I doubted he knew how to grow pot. I suspected the real author was a certain mad scientist at the CIA.
Jim’s book asked if I wanted to grow the best pot. Hell yeah, I did. Jim seemed to know that and he said I needed to make my plants polyploid. I read that and thought: What am I? A botanist? As I wondered about making my plants polyploid (whatever that was), Jim said he knew I wasn’t a botanist, but not to worry, he’d tell me what to do. This guy Jim was a genius, so I read on. Jim wanted me to get this stuff called colchicine. It’s for gout, said Jim, but here’s the good news—it’s also a deadly poison when you soak pot seeds in it. I was thinking: Why is killing my seeds good news? Jim knew I would and told me not to worry about killing all but .001 percent of my seeds. So what if only one in a thousand survived? Jim said to start a hundred thousand—it’s not like that last kilo you got wasn’t more seed than pot. Man, this Jim guy? He knew everything. By then, he had my trust.
Jim said now that he had my trust I should follow him blindly. He said there was just one snag with the genocide-by-colchicine method. Namely, the Feds. Even though colchicine didn’t get you high, they made it a controlled substance. I needed a prescription to buy the miracle drug. Jim knew I’d be wondering how to get a prescription and he told me it was easy. Sort of. I just needed to eat poorly enough to get gout. I was thinking: Isn’t gout excruciating? Sure, said Jim, gout was unspeakably painful and I wouldn’t be able to walk or enjoy life while stricken, but there was a silver lining. I could score the colchicine I needed to kill 999 out of every 1,000 seeds I soaked. And that, Jim said, made the unbearable pain worth it.
“How’s that book?” asked Doc.
“It’s a good thing I bought it, Doc. I thought starting seeds was simple, but it’s not.”
“Really? I thought you just put them in the ground and got ‘em wet.”
“So did I. I had no idea I needed to get gout.”
“What?”
Doc didn’t know about the gout, either, so I explained Jim’s secret technique to the world’s best pot.
Doc, impressed with Jim’s vast knowledge, said, “You might wanna buy another book. Get a second opinion.”
“There was no other book.”
I hope you enjoyed the excerpt and be sure to grab your free copy of Turning On when it’s released. I’ll be adding the link to my home page.