Check out this fun excerpt from Controlling Chaos. To set it up, my girlfriend Missy, on vacation from her home in Stinky Hollow, Chaos, is seeing Maui for the first time.

 

A few short months ago, during the glorious rush following a successful harvest, I looked forward to another grow season in Chaos. But now, after scoring my dream ranch, I pondered a new plan: Overwhelm Missy with Maui’s charms, get her to move there.

 

Though Maui is all but irresistible, it’d take a serious effort, given how determined Missy was to control Chaos. Which is not an easy task—by any definition. As a fellow philanthropist, I had to admire someone dedicated to making the world a better place.

 

Perhaps it was selfish of me to want Missy for myself, but if you knew Missy Gump, you wouldn’t blame me. She was as smart and funny as she was good-looking, and that’s really saying something. She’d only passed the bar exam a year ago, and already she’d saved a small town from ruin. Picture Daisy Duke, then make her a genius. Selfish or not, I planned to make sure Missy had the time of her life. Also, wheedle like a man possessed.

 

I asked, “Why can’t someone else clean up Chaos?

 

“I don’t know, sweetie. Why can’t someone else raise world consciousness?”

 

There it was, a bothersome conflict in our worldviews. I was hoping to remedy that with good times and brainwashing. Joints would help. Me, anyway. Missy partook only sparingly, which I saw as part of the problem. Girls are much harder to brainwash when not stoned. Not that I didn’t give it my best effort. I tried to enlist Tom in my plan, but he wanted me returning with him to Chaos.

 

“Oh, look,” said Missy, pointing at a couple of hang gliders circling Mick’s property. Mick’s place had a huge lawn out front and friends with a death wish used it as a landing zone. “Doesn’t that look like fun?”

 

I nodded. “Serious fun.”

 

And it surely was. Not for me, but for someone with no sense of fear. No reason to let Missy think her boyfriend was scared of heights just because he was. Far as she knew, I was a fanatic for insane adventures. Between you and me? I wasn’t. Her brothers had misinterpreted my screams as I parachuted into the swamp amidst bales of cocaine, and now I had a reputation as a fearless maniac.

 

A few minutes later, the hang gliders spiraled down and landed. It was our friend L.J. and his buddy Lobster. I’m not saying they were nuts, but their idea of fun was driving to the top of Haleakala. . .and then jumping off. After my terrifying adventure with the parachute, if I look down from high places, and by high, I mean anything over twenty feet, my stomach gets all fluttery. I can’t watch a movie with a mountain-climbing scene without turning away. The point is, you’d never catch me hang gliding.

 

Missy told L.J., “That looks exciting.”

 

“Oh, it is. You should try it.”

 

I was thinking: Goddamnit, L.J., when Missy said, “I’d love to!”

 

“Really?” said L.J., giving me a sideways look I didn’t care for.

 

“Well, sure, why wouldn’t I?”

 

“That’s good, ‘cause I know Mikey’s been dying to give it a try.”

 

“I have?”

 

“See? How about you both come tomorrow?”

 

Quick thinker, I said, “Uh. . .”

 

“You’re not afraid, are you?” teased L.J., knowing full well how I felt about heights.

 

Missy answered for me. “Are you kidding? Mikey is fearless. He drove our airboat straight into a storm of bullets! Ignored certain death for both of us, but he saved a planeload of coke and my brothers lives.”

 

That was true, but because I was clumsy, not fearless. Not that I ever mentioned it.

 

L.J.’s eyes lit up with. . .respect? Concern for my sanity? Sadism? “In that case, jumping off a volcano will be child’s play for him.”

 

I considered fessing up, admitting my faux pas with the airboat, but I couldn’t let my girlfriend appear more adventurous than me. Even if it meant hang gliding to death. With friends like Mick and L.J., I’d never live it down.

 

I had a thought, gave it a shot. “I’m not worried about me, L.J., but Missy’s never tried it before.”

 

“Neither have you. Despite many offers.”

 

“How come?” asked Missy, as if shocked.

 

“Oh, I would’ve, but I was too busy doing scary stuff.”

 

L.J. rolled his eyes in. . .agreement?

 

I asked him, “Don’t beginners usually start on a bunny slope or something? You know, like skiing?”

 

L.J. nodded. “They sure do.”

 

I was thinking: Whew! Heart attack averted.

 

Then he added, “But that’s for pussies, not for big-time heroes like you.”

 

Missy put her hands on her hips—her don’t-give-me-any-shit pose. “If Mikey’s going from the top, so am I.”