Bad Week For President Trump
It’s been a bad week for President Trump, one of many lately. But with his former campaign manager and former personal lawyer both convicted this week, it’s been worse than most. And that is really saying something. The Donald had a lot to say about it himself, and because I deliver the fakest news in the business, I owe to my readers to give him a listen. As much as he makes me cringe, I gotta admit, he gives some good material. In other words, a bad week for President Trump is a good week for reporters. Let’s see if I can recall the gist of our conversation.
“How about a skins game this week?”
“No way, Donald, not the way you pick up putts. It might be a bad week for President Trump, but I don’t want a bad one for Mike Good. I’m either on your team or I’m not betting.”
“I appreciate your loyalty, Mikey. I haven’t been getting a lot of that lately. It’s been a bad week for President Trump.”
“Aw, man, you’re not going to start referring to yourself in third person again.”
“That’s what royalty does, which is why I’m thinking of changing my title to Emperor Donald. What do you think? Or is that too humble?”
“It’ll appeal to your friends at Fox.”
“They’re loyal to me, no matter how insane I act. So are the sheep who watch them.” He pointed across the fairway at a little guy in the rough. “How come Jeff Sessions isn’t loyal? If he would’ve shut down the Witch Hunt into the election Vladi helped me win, I’d be eating Big Macs in peace.”
“I guess he finally showed some balls. Now if he’d just come around on the marijuana issue, I might have a little respect for him.”
“I never should have given him a job. I only picked him because I needed support with all those redneck idiots and religious freaks in the South. Then there’s that rat Michael Cohen admitting guilt, basically exposing me as a crook.”
“Well, it the shoe fits. . .”
“I’m not saying he’s lying, but turning on the President? There should almost be a law against that. You don’t see anyone badmouthing Kim Jong Un, do you?”
“Not without ending up in front of an anti-aircraft cannon.”
“Heh heh, Jongy knows how to lead. You think I could away with that here?”
“That might be crossing the line.”
“What line? I rigged an election, I dismantled the EPA, I got rid of ObamaCare so the insurance industry could rake it in, I’ve made the rich richer by lowering taxes, I’ve disgraced the office of the President, I’ve alienated all our allies, I’ve cheated on my wife with porn stars, I’ve insulted every foreign leader except Putin. . .”
Knowing he could go on for hours, I cut him off. “I got a feeling all that is gonna catch up with you.”
“You think they’ll impeach me? Ha! Let ’em try.”
“Really? You’re not worried?”
Wait till they get a load of Mike Pence.
“Why do you think I picked Mike Pence for vice-president?”
“Because no one else would join your team.”
“Sure, but there’s another reason I picked him, and it’s called Mike Pence. They’ll have to think long and hard before they put that religious maniac in charge of the country. The fake news media thinks I’m bad for America? They don’t want an autocracy? Fine. Wait’ll they get a load of Mike Pence’s policies and live in a theocracy.”
“That’s a scary thought.”
“Isn’t it? It’s hard to say which of us is more heinous, isn’t it?” asked Donald, tapping his head. “All part of my plan. That kind of thinking is the sign of very stable genius. And Pence is loyal. Even if I’m gone, he’ll stick with the terrible things my cabinet and I have done. But I don’t like how everyone else is turning snitch.”
“You mean Stormy, Karen, Don McCann, Paul Manafort, David Pecker. . .”
I could have gone on and one, too, but the Donald cut me off. “I never thought Pecker would be a dick, but it just shows how evil Robert Mueller is.”
“I gotta hand it to you, Donny, you’re a master of denial.”
“No one is better at, well, anything, so of course I am. Now I know how your Uncle Dick felt. Why is it the best men get the worst treatment?”
“I wouldn’t call Nixon one the best men. Maybe one of the worst.”
“Only because he was caught.”
“You’ve really lowered the bar for yourself, Donald. I remember when you bragged you were more presidential than any other president with the possible exception of Lincoln.”
“That’s only because he wore that top hat. Hey, you think if I wore one of those, the blacks would love me even more?”
“I think it’s worth a try. At least it would keep your hairpiece in place on windy days.”
“Good thinking. Your uncle had a lot of people betray him, too.”
“Well, yeah, after he threw them under the bus. Another thing you guys have in common.”
“Yeah, but I win because I’ve got more betrayers.”
“That’s not much of a victory.”
“These days, I’ll take ’em where I can get ’em. How come Mueller isn’t investigating the Democrats like Comey used to? I fired his ass, but I gotta admit, he handed the election to me. It’s almost like he was working on my team.”
“Yeah, I know. For the head of the FBI, he sure was confused. I just learned he got faked out by a phony email sent from your pals in Russia.”
“Heh heh, Comey is such a tool. He screwed Hillary over, big time. That worked out just like Vladi said it would.”
“And yet you blame the Democrats of collusion with Russia.”
“Heh heh, I know. I Tweet some crazy shit, don’t I? I also Tweeted I was the last person Russia wanted in office.”
“I saw that, but it makes no sense.”
“Doesn’t matter, as long as Fox News repeats it, people believe it.”
“I don’t know how much longer they will. With so many of your staff and supporters testifying and going to jail, the truth is coming out.”
“So, you’re saying, start a war to distract everybody? I like it. Where should I start? Those shithole countries in Africa? Mexico? Yeah, Mexico! Then they’ll let me build a wall to keep those children out.”
“Whoa, Donald, take it easy, don’t start a war.”
I gave Donald’s caddy Dirk the signal. As Donald ranted, “Why not? I already started a trade war with China? What are all those nukes for if I can’t use ’em?” Dirk eased in the needle.
A minute later, and the President was calm again. “Where was I?”
I pointed at his Titleist. “About to chip one onto the green.”
“Ah, right. I’m only thirty yards away. . .that’s a gimme, isn’t it?”
Dirk pointed his Glock at Senator McConnell and beleaguered teammate Jeff Sessions, who both said, “Pick it up, Donald. It’s good.”
Donald gave Sessions a withering look, said, “That’s more like it.”
I can’t say it’s fun golfing with Donald Trump, but any day I can stop a nuclear war is a good day. I hope you readers appreciate my sacrifice on the country’s behalf. I’d much rather be working on my books. Speaking of books, Maui Wowee, the 5th book in the Senor Bueno Travel Adventure series is coming out in mid-September, so I hope you’re ready for it.
If you aren’t already a fan, grab a Free Copy of Breaking Good, the first book in my series, and see why it’s sure to become a cult classic.
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