Arriving in Chaos

 

With a bag of Mama Cass seeds hidden in my luggage, and poor Rocky stuck in the cargo hold, I flew to Atlanta, where we grabbed a plane to Mudville, the capital of Chaos. Except for the occasional towns, butt-ugly landfills, and evil-looking industrial sites spewing effluents into the Mississippi, the aerial view reminded me of flights over the Amazon basin. With all the rivers, lakes, and swamps, I saw almost as much water as land. Waiting for Rocky and my bags at Anil Roberts Airport, I got a first-hand look at my future neighbors. Everyone was chewing tobacco. Even the women and kids. Forewarned by Tom, I had a wad of gum in my mouth.

 

 

Blending in was hopeless. I never saw so many crossed eyes, lazy eyes, missing eyes, popped-out eyes, eyes with styes, droopy eyelids, missing eyelids, and, well, you name it. There were mouths with missing teeth—or else way too many and pointing in unusual directions. Odd-shaped heads sported enormous ears, tiny ears, missing ears, birthmarks, tumors, cysts, yaws, and carbuncles. Then there were the missing fingers, missing hands, shriveled arms, missing arms, missing feet, and missing legs. I tried to imitate them, making faces and twitching like a Tourette’s Syndrome victim, but I couldn’t pull it off. I gotta admit, I felt uncomfortable, what with the looks they gave me. Like I was the freak.

Tom, his wife Becky, and my old partner Lucky grew up in Chaos, yet looked nothing like these people. I’d like to say living in Hawaii forced coolness upon them, but I sensed the general weirdness of the population went far deeper than a lack of coolness. Had those three inherited the few decent genes their parents had to offer? I’d reserve judgment till I saw Tom’s family. Meanwhile, I wondered how he’d fit in any better than I did.

I heard a familiar voice. “Hey, Mikey, there you are. I’ve been looking all over for you.”

“Guess I blended in the crowd.”

“Ha! Good one.” Tom nodded at a corpulent family standing next to us. And then at several others. “My view was blocked.”

You might as well look through a wall of meat.

Something was different about Tom and not just the straw hat, overalls, and chewing tobacco. When he smiled, I saw what it was.”

“Goddamn, Tom, I thought you were kidding about the teeth. At least I hoped so.”

I was dedicated to my mission, but not that dedicated. He pulled his front teeth out of a pocket. “I’ve had these for years. You never noticed?”

“What am I? A dentist? I gotta admit, you do fit in.”

“See?”

“Even so, I’m not pulling mine.”

“Of course not. That’s what dentists are for.”

“Not what I meant.”

“Thought you wanted to change the world.”

“If that’s what it takes, the world is on its own.”

“At least you cut your hair. We better give you a codename. How about. . .Huck?”

“Yeah, that’ll work. I was a huge Mark Twain fan as a kid. Loved ol’ Huck; he was the coolest. Remember him and Jim rafting down the river, having a good ol’ time? Man, I wanted to be there with them. Hell, I wanted to be anywhere but the dungeon of learning. Even school.”

“What about Tom?” asked my pal, sticking up for his namesake.

“Eh, he was okay. Kind of manipulative. . .”

“I reckon you’re biased. We gotta get you to the K-Mart and into some polyester.” He pointed at his feet. “Then we’ll get you a pair of muskrat boots. I know a place. . .”

“No way I’m wearing polyester. Or boots made out of muskrats.”

“That’s the style here. Also, anything that’s camouflaged.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“And yet, under your jacket you’re wearing a Grateful Dead t-shirt.”

“What can I say? I love the Dead.”

“Well, wear it at home, but out and about you gotta look square.”

“Don’t you see my short hair?”

“That’s a start.” He snapped his fingers. “We’ll get you an Oak Ridge Boys t-shirt.”

“That’s too square.”

“They’ve got beards.”

“So?”

“So they’re the country music version of ZZ Top.”

The two groups didn’t belong in the same sentence. Had Chaos gotten to Tom already?

 

As you can see, I had some serious adjusting to do. If you love wacky humor, snappy dialogue, wild adventures, and exotic locations, you gotta read the Senor Bueno Travel Adventure series. Start now with a free copy of Breaking Good.

 

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