Omarosa Has the Tapes
“How ya’ doing, Mikey? You missed our golf match last week. Too bad, because Mitch McConnell said some wacky stuff. You’d think these guys would step down before they got senile, wouldn’t you? But no, they like the power too much.”
Aw, man, it was the Donald calling, ready to dish some dirt. He wasn’t the only one dishing dirt this week. I mean, Omarosa has the tapes, and she’s telling everyone about it. I’ll try to recall the gist of our conversation, but with the way Donny rambles, it’s not easy to translate his words into normal English. But first, a picture of Omarosa and President Trump during happier times. Although Donald does look a little worried, doesn’t he? As if he knows Omarosa has the tapes?
“Well, yeah, I was busy getting Maui Wowee ready for my new Launch Team.”
“Always with the books? I can’t believe you’d rather write stories than play golf with the greatest president of all time.”
“Who would that be?”
“Good one, Mikey, good one. By the way, thanks for not having Bob Mueller on your show last week. I know he kept calling.”
“I told Bob I’d have to get back to him, that my readers always come first.”
“Lemme ask you something, how much money you making with your books?” After hearing me moan, he said, “That’s what I thought. You should be more like me. I wrote The Art of the Deal, a best-seller, sold a million copies and I didn’t miss one minute of golf.”
“That’s because you didn’t write one word of the book.”
“That’s my point, get a ghostwriter and start making some bucks. Isn’t making money what it’s all about?”
“There’s other stuff, too.”
“Give me a break. You talking about about civil rights, personal liberties, the children I kidnap, all that liberal hogwash?”
“Well, yeah, Donald. You gotta admit, your policies are racist.”
“Me? Racist? I’m the least racist person in the universe. Ask any nig. . .I mean African-American.”
“You mean like Omarosa?”
“Jesus Christ, not her, she knows me too well.”
“Maybe I should. I mean Omarosa has the tapes. Maybe she has the one with you using the “n” word on it.”
“Mark Burnett says no one caught me on tape, so I think I’m clear.”
“Maybe not on his tape, but Omarosa has tapes of her own.”
“Why do the people I’ve belittled and fired turn into traitors?”
“It’s a real mystery. One answer might be the people you surround yourself with. You promised to pick the best people, drain the swamp. Instead you’ve picked a nest of vipers, each of them ready to stab the next in the back, and filled the swamp with people like Scott Pruitt.”
“He’s gone.”
“Yeah, replaced by Andrew Wheeler, coal lobbyist. Then there’s Betsy DeVoss, another out of touch jillionaire who oozes bullshit with that phony smile on her face while getting grilled over her racist policies.”
“Pfft. . .you mean Ditzy DeVoss? Look, Mikey, I hire these people because they supported me during the campaign, not because they’re well-suited for the Cabinet or anything else beneficial to our country’s well-being.”
“Yeah, I think everyone has noticed. Let me ask you something now. How worried are you about Omarosa? My readers will want to know.”
“So Omarosa has the tapes, big deal. She’s a lying dog. Once a liar, always a liar. You lose all credibility. Why are you laughing?”
“You don’t find your comment ironic?”
“What’s that mean?”
“Donald, you are unbelievable.”
“Thanks.”
“That wasn’t a compliment. Saying you’re not a racist reeks of bullshit.”
“Isn’t that the cologne Stormy thought I wore?”
“I think that’s what she said.”
Let Me Know What Bob Mueller Asks
“Enough about Omarosa, Mikey, let’s talk about Bob Mueller’s witch hunt.”
“Now that’s gotta be making you nervous.”
“Damn right, you see who my lawyer is? He looks terrified. I have every reason to be nervous.”
“Only if you’re guilty.”
“Like I said. . . Which is why I need you to tell me what Mueller asks. Just, you know, make a secret tape.”
“Really? I thought you might be a little sensitive by now about secret tapes, what with Michael Cohen and Omarosa having the dirt on you. Not to mention, Vladimir Putin.”
“Your Uncle Dick Nixon knew all about tapes, didn’t he?”
“He was good at erasing them, that’s for sure. You know, I see a lot of similarities between your administration and his.”
“Really? Thanks, Mikey.”
“That’s also not a compliment. My Uncle Dick was the second most dishonest man to ever get elected.”
“Does that mean I’m Number One! Now, tell me that’s not a compliment. Why are you do keep moaning? Is it the racist thing? Because, really, if the blacks don’t like it here, why don’t they go back to their shithole country?”
“Country? You mean Africa? The continent white people kidnapped them from. Brought them here in chains against their will.”
“Don’t get started on one of your rants. You know where I mean. What’s it called? Nigeria? That place where they live in huts.”
“It’s not pronounced like that.”
“You sure? Because why else would people call them. . .”
“Ah, ah, ah, Donald. I thought that word wasn’t a part of your vocabulary.”
“Oops, heh heh, I must have overheard it somewhere. Wait a second, you’re not taping this, are you?”
“You never know.”
“That’s the problem. How can I speak my mind and then lie about it when I’m caught on tape?”
“That’s what I’ve been wondering, yet it hasn’t stopped you.”
“That’s because I’m the Teflon Donald. My rabid fans don’t care what I say or do as long as their taxes are lower and they’re safe from the murdering, rapist, drug-dealing Mexicans. Now I just need to protect them from the media and the truth.”
“Oh boy. Well it’s been fun, Donald, but I can only take so much of this at a time.”
“No problem, I know you’re busy. So am I, gotta a tee time in twenty minutes. Now remember, let me know what Bob Mueller asks? That way Rudy and I can get our stories straight.”
You can see why these interviews are draining and I don’t do them more often. On the other hand, I could get rich via some NDA’s, so when the book writing thing fizzles out completely, at least I won’t be broke. Guess I’ll keep the interviews coming.
Meanwhile, if you’re hungry for laughs and wanna escape today’s insane politics, read Breaking Good and return to the days of my Uncle Dick’s reign in the White House. Just click here to join my reader’s list and get a Free Copy of Breaking Good. Then start laughing.
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