Here’s another email I sent to my readers earlier in the year, right after Jeff Sessions declared he wanted to revoke the Cole Memo. The Cole Memo came from the Obama years when the A.G. told federal prosecutors to be cool to states wise and compassionate enough to allow recreational or medical marijuana use and use their energy for real crimes. Session thinks pot is as dangerous as heroin. I think Sessions needs to realize that 70% of the country’s population favors some form of legalized marijuana use, and roughly half the states in the country have passed pro-pot legislation. Naturally, as a concerned citizen, I called President Trump’s private line to complain. I’ll see if I can remember the gist of it for you:
After listening to me scream for a minute, the Donald sighed and made a suggestion. “You should call Little Jeff and bury the hatchet.”
“Really? Bury the hatchet? I like how you think. At least about this. And believe me, I’d love to. But I’m a pacifist, and besides, isn’t that, you know, illegal?”
“I didn’t mean it literally.”
“Oh. It’s just with your questionable mental stability, I can never be sure.”
“What are you talking about? I’m a very stable genius.”
“Don’t you read your own Tweets?”
“Reading is highly over-rated. I have people who read for me. Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been my mental stability and being, like, really smart.”
“You’re well spoken. . .for a Valley Girl.”
“I’d be the greatest Valley Girl ever if I wasn’t so busy ruling the world. Which reminds me, I’ve got a tee time in twenty minutes, gotta run. Let me give you Little Jeffie’s private number. Give him a message for me. Tell him to get in line or start looking at the want ads. I’ve got a vote rigging investigation I need him to tamper with.”
“I want our country’s personal liberties respected, that’s what I want. I want an end to these ridiculous marijuana laws. I want you to yank your head out of your asshole. . .”
“Jesus Christ, I’m sorry I asked. Will you ever stop badgering me?”
“Not until you wake up. Don’t you realize the majority of the population is tired of draconian pot laws, that the real drug scourge is opiod addiction? And what about methamphetimines?”
Sessions paused a minute, I thought to reflect on my sensible worldview, until he asked, “How do you keep getting my number?”
“That’s not the point. Legalizing pot is.”
“Keep dreaming. I’ve been meaning to leave a review on your latest book, The Machu Picchu Blues, but I’ve been busy lying in court.”
“I can’t believe you’ve become a fan.”
“Yeah, right. It’s just that I hate them so much, I can’t put them down. I gotta hand it to you, Mikey, you really know how to tell a story. If I had any sense of humor, I’d die laughing.”
“If only.”
“You’ll be happy to know I’m making a list of all your felonies. When the time is right, I’ll lower the boom.”
“Well, you better hold off on the boom-lowering, Jeff, ’cause there are a lot more books to come.”
“Are they full of dastardly crimes?”
“If by dastardly crimes you mean noble philanthropic misadventures in exotic locations, then yes.”
“Well, keep them coming. Once I finish killing every buzz in America, I’ll get to them.”
I didn’t worry about the boom-lowering too much, considering the Statue of Limitations and all, but I was worried for the future of America’s personal liberties. So are a lot of other people, and apparently, Little Jeff’s diatribes are creating a backlash in Congress (the 2.3 billion dollars pro-pot states expect to reap in tax dollars by 2020 doesn’t hurt) and a direct confrontation between the Department of Justice and the rest of America may finally put an end to Federal prosecution of victimless crimes. I’ll keep dong my bit, trying to raise consciousness, with funny stories about the ironic times we live in.
Hope you enjoy reading my books as much as I do writing them. Please let me know with a comment or email to: mike@mikebegood.com.