Fun at the Beach took place in an Ecuadorean paradise, where, invisible from the nearby village, the lovely Shelly and I made love and cavorted naked for days. Inspecting venomous bugs, avoiding carnivorous plants, dodging snakes, and racing tiger sharks, we had a wonderful time until we attracted the attention of local fishermen. Then the wrath of their jealous wives. (Picture a hundred women with serious PMS. Also, spears.) Having had our fun, we fled down the beach naked just ahead of an enraged mob and their gigantic pet ape. . .right towards a huge cooking pot!

Shipwrecked took place in the early 90's on the way to Ko An Thong, an amazing cluster of uninhabited islands in the Gulf of Thailand that demanded a visit by nature lovers. The hand-scrawled poster we'd seen promised us a four-day, three-night adventure, our time spent checking out sea caves, diving coral reefs, and exploring the pristine islands. It neglected to mention that our longtail boat might  a log and sink along the way. Bobbing in the dark, charred from lightning strikes, covered in jelly fish, and many miles from shore, I sensed our sunset departure from Ko Samui directly into the path of a fiendish squall hadn't been a wise decision. I also sensed the ganja-infused Captain Keo (would-be Rastafarian, ersatz tour guide, and scroungy owner of the funky Rasta Baby II Pub on Mae Nam Beach) wasn't the best choice of adventure tour guides. 

Lizardo Goes Yachting took place off Kauai's spectacular Na Pali Coast. You're looking the far end of the beach at backpacker paradise Kalalau Valley, with prehistoric-looking Honopu (and it's amazing archway) just behind. How prehistoric-looking? They filmed a remake of King Kong there. Plus, we saw a dinosaur! Kalalau is reachable by an unforgettable cliff-hugging eleven-mile trail, but we hitched a ride there on a pristine yacht! A pristine yacht that my seasick pal Lizardo redecorated with the previous night's dinner. To show his appreciation, the bemused owner of the formerly pristine yacht made us walk the plank.

Sexy Suzie tanning before the Love Boat party. Not shown, her brother Mitchell and "the gang," i.e., a few dozen of Honolulu's most flamboyant gays. Surprise! My first and only gay party, where, too far at sea to swim for it, horrid disco music played and a belligerent faux-Dolly Parton gave me a lap dance. Then demanded twenty bucks. Where a confused young decathlete changed out of his track suit and into a Cher outfit and claimed his new name was Kate or Lynn. Something like that. I tuned out when he asked for a white wine spritzer and confessed a love of disco.

Felony Flats: AKA: Secret vacation paradise for Mexico's cartel elite, hid discreetly along Baja's Sea of Cortez. . .which is why it's not pictured here. Can you imagine (you know, just for fun) if I did? Ha! Those guys would have to kill me. My freaked out golf partner Kurt and I fled there in a private jet after the Snake (depraved new friend and big-time smuggler Bighead's overzealous caddy/bodyguard/pilot) blew up the 18th green at Torrey Pines during a PGA tournament. With the World's Best Golfer, the PGA's goon squad, and 50,000 rabid golf fans chasing us, we'd made a hasty getaway, which is probably why we didn't win the Pro-Am event. I tried to cheer avid fisherman Kurt up with a sunset kayak trip. We didn't see any whale sharks or catch any marlin, but luckily, gale force winds came out of nowhere and pushed us onto a desert island. To pass the night, we watched for shooting stars and suffered hypothermia. Fishermen rescued us the next morning and soon we were speeding down the coast in Bighead's cigarette boat to on our way to Carnival in the squalid fishing village of San Feo. (Patron saint of the vile and disgusting.) Not a nice name but like Bighead said, "It wasn't much of a place." San Feo provided Kurt bizarre encounters with a creepy pimp, his elephantine staff,  and marching transvestites, yet somehow failed to cheer him up.

Happy Jose's Disaster Tour features our handsome guide's exciting if ill-fated last adventure on the Amazon, lush jungle home of anacondas, piranhas, and frogmen. (And I don't mean scuba divers.) An amazing place for jungle hikes, caiman encounters, jaguars, and headhunters! Also, gangs of cocaine smugglers, electric eels, and a type of catfish big enough to gulp you down! Plus, a tiny fish so diabolically perverted it wants to swim up a stream of urine into your penis. I'm serious. As a one-time only bonus, our consummate tour guide, the deranged Happy Jose, showed us a rare bushmaster, at twelve feet long it's the world's longest viper! He also demonstrated for us just how lethal it's venom could be. All that for only five bucks!

Fun at Sea highlights the dubious joys of sailing Hawaii's infamous Alenuihaha Channel. When Captain Skipper invited me to sail from Hana, Maui, to Kailua-Kona on the Big Island, I jumped at the chance. The view from sea of those two coasts was spectacular and I was a maniac for nature. A maniac with a bad short-term memory who'd forgotten the Alenuihaha Channel was the world's roughest crossing until we were well out at sea and the calm ocean transmogrified like a werewolf! The results were devastating for a certain "good sailor", but who needs a digestive system anyway?

Sailing to Malaysia is a glimpse of our sail along Thailand's stunning southern coast! An incredible experience involving pristine uninhabited islands, coral reef, and burials at sea. Diving alone on beautiful reefs, camping on empty beaches, we had a killer time. In fact, Scuzzy and Scabby (two English budget travelers on board) actually died! That's how much fun we had! At least, those of us who'd avoided that playful centipede.